Tonight the Monkey came home sick for the second time in a month after being with the Bio for only a two day stint. It breaks my heart. It’s the worst feeling putting to bed a child who is wound up from not getting a regular bedtime and being surrounded by folks who think of him as a commodity and not the amazing person he truly has become in the last six years.
The words love come from the lips of the Bio and his family but every time my son comes home he is a different child. He’s desperate for attention and sometimes a bit a jerk to me. There are times he talks to me like I know the Bio talks to him own Mother and my skin crawls. I wish I could take away all this and give him two families who show each other love and respect and admiration. In my parents house we were taught to respect each other and well that’s the kind of house the Boyfriend and I run too. The Monkey never hears the Boyfriend disrespect me because that’s just not how we roll.
Ugh. I’m mostly reeling from the email responses I get from the Bio whenever I voice a concern or fight him on something. He treats me like dirt instead of the Mother of His Child. It is disgusting. I sat today after the email reply, for a good twenty minutes, thinking about replying to the hate and verbal abuse that I lived with for so long, and then didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to stoop to it. I closed the browser and walked away. Instead I sat down to write, just like I used to. I came here to my blog where I feel like I can purge all these feelings of malcontent towards the way I am treated as a parent. And I feel better.
Healing took me so long. Moving forward took me so long. Moving away from the anger and the sadness took so long…
And here I am in the most amazing relationship I’ve ever experienced and I ask myself how I ever let myself be taken for granted like that for so long. Verbally treated like I didn’t deserve respect. Emotionally denied truth and honesty. The only saving grace in the whole disaster is my beautiful and amazing little Monkey who lifted me out of that haze and into a consistent recovery towards being the best Mama I can be.