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Where’d the Bear Go?


I’ve been feeling kinda happy lately. Did you notice on the Twitter? Well if you don’t follow me then imagine I’m crossing my arms in disappointment and shaking my head. But, seriously in spite of all the bad juju occurring with the lack of job monies coming at the end of the month I’ve got a shit ton of things working out for me in ways I had serious skepticism over. So, it was odd to me when I fell into a bit of a funk on Sunday during the late morning and Mr. C called me out on it. Mostly cause I didn’t even notice the funkiness happening. I was enjoying training with the boys and feeling better about pushing my physical limits and having the guys totally forget that I’m a girl at all. Those moments when you get lost in the run and you’re just a person in the moment and no one is trying to make the stride work for you. It’s those moments when I get lost and I guess that’s when the funk started and I couldn’t hide it from my best friend.

This was not your standard funk. It wasn’t like, Mama is down and pouty faces over it. The moments were contemplative and thoughtful. And Mr. C saw them for what they were. So, let’s review how it happened…

We rented a movie. How do you Know? And as y’all know I am fond of movies and then over-analyzing them to find a deeper meaning that usually isn’t there. Really that’s how I roll some days. Basically, this lady a pro-softball player who gets cut from the USA team is stuck in a relationship that is lacks the basics to fulfill her and she knows it but stays even though she meets a really awesome guy who fits the profile of what she’s really looking to have in her life. Story of my life, right? Date the wrong guy and then meet a great guy and ignore him because he’s not the fun outgoing bastard I so desperately adore. Now to the point-ish. The movie itself didn’t start the funk. The whole concept to me isn’t funky. In fact, given the happy-happy-joy-joy I have been feeling lately there was no apparent reason for the funk.

Here it is….

I’ve gotten so good at being pessimistic about relationships and the possibilities of meeting a human being and not some mutant underling, that watching the movie I got stuck in my head about being happy. Technically it wasn’t a funk. It was contemplative.You know when you genuinely have nothing to complain about happy? That’s what it was it was watching a train wreck and knowing I’ve been there but then realizing shit I like the place I am at right now and that’s okay…right? My past relationship (if you can even call it that) with New Guy was one of those. Hell, even Mr. S was a train wreck and I knew it the minute he bailed on me for my friends wedding to go to New York for the weekend. Okay, confession most of my relationships I can see the derail coming within the first fews times we hang out. My head can picture it before it happens and in spite of this I let the heart run the show and that lame girl excuse pops up…he won’t always be like that if he really cares about me, right? Duh bitch, yes he will! (I was calling myself bitch there, not you) But that’s what happens. You’d think I’d learn. *sigh*

But, here’s the thing as I sat there watching the movie and precariously tweeting lines and factoids from the movie I got lost in the whole thought process about the happy I am partaking of right now. It isn’t something manifested in my heart and spoon fed to my brain. I’m not pulling the wool over my own eyes. It’s kinda just happening. I never stopped to realize how much I have lied to myself about being happy in the past that this moment with the boys made it truly pop out in my head. My real life friends know this about me.

So, when I floated off during the movie Mr. C yanked at my ear and gave me an earth to D look and asked ‘where you at Bear?’ Mr. C knows that when I drift off in my head sometimes I need a little shove back home. But, I didn’t think I was there this time and it was oddly funny that he shoved me back and wouldn’t let it rest until I answered him. But in the end he answered it for me. It went like this…

C: Seriously Bear, where you at right now?
Me: Nowhere, I’m fine.
C: I call bullshit.
Me: Seriously, I’m fine. I’m just watching the movie.
C: Right. So let me know when you wanna talk about it.
RJ: Stopping Poking the Bear, C.
Me: Thank you, RJ. I’m fine.

A few more moments later…

C: The Bear is happy, isn’t she and she doesn’t know what to do with it, right?
Me: WTF? What are you talking about?
C: I get it.
Me: Fuck off. You are lame.

A few more moments later…

Me: Yeah, I guess I am. Shit. Thanks, C.
C: Just go with it Bear. You deserve it. Now shut the fuck up and watch the movie.

And that was it. This is the truth. And I’m going to just shut the fuck up and enjoy it.


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