Land of Awkward Convo

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I took a a break over the weekend from blogging. I needed a moment to process the whole last week and so there are a ton of posts coming this week…

Starting with this one…

As I’ve written here in the past few months, the Bio and I are on some solid co-parenting ground. It feels good to be able to pick up the phone and talk to him when shit is hitting the fan. We have been working together pretty solidly. We’ve had a few here and there moments of discord and I’ve wanted to yell in his face to fuck off and not come back. But, there have been a few very painful moments. Moments that don’t make me feel like things are serious on the Bio’s side. What moments you ask?

Some time before the holidays the Bio sprung the L-word on me and it was awkward to say the least. I of course didn’t have the words to respond. I didn’t have the desire to engage. I didn’t feel the word held any meaning for me anymore. When I looked him in the eyes I couldn’t see the man I was so caught up with back when I was twenty-four and just starting out in my adult life. The faith is gone. The trust is gone. The love is definitely dunzo. We never talked about it. Every once in a while he says it out of nowhere and I want to crawl in a hole and hide. Beside the feelings of relief that we are finally at a point where we can work together I feel nothing for him. Okay, so no biggie. People who have kids together and split usually have residual feelings and sometimes it’s stronger on one side than the another and no biggie, right?

For a minute I felt bad for not still feeling some kind of emotion toward the Bio. I worked it out in therapy and realized that I can’t help being over it. There was only so much I had to give and it’s kaput. I gave and gave and pushed and pulled my way to this place where I’ve seen our relationship for the train wreck it was and am glad it’s over. So wicked cool, Mama gets it and no gets their eye poked out. Hold on I had a point I was trying to make…

Last Thursday, the Bio presented a much more disturbing thing for me to ponder in my fucked up brain. We were casually discussing the fact that his birthday is coming up and that he can take the Monkey for the weekend early…yadda-yadda-yadda and then came the non-committal teasing about getting old and how soon we’d be forty and then he dropped the bomb. We might be getting old but you’re still hot. (pause for gagging and the such)

I’m not sure why I was more okay with him still L-wording me versus still finding me attractive. I’m not sure why it made me want to slam the door closed in his face and vomit in my shoes. And I really like my shoes. Honestly, it dawned on me that I had lost the attraction to him when I realized that his love for me was strictly conditional. Everything revolved around his needs and not mine or ours as a couple for that matter. There was always some giant argument that resulted from feeling like I was asking for too much or like I was some sort of deviant. In the end it was chaos. The last year we were together were for the wrong reasons. So, why does it still bug me that he finds me pleasant to gaze upon? Hello, people think about it. Duh, it’s something I can’t control and if I can’t keep it secret and keep it safe then we have a problem. I don’t want his skinny ass thinking about me in any way shape or form! And seriously, it makes me feel like he’s trying to pull some kind of bullshit. He’s a master manipulator and he used to be able to pull the wool over these dark and lovelies. Mama doesn’t have time for that crap.

The last time we had any kind of physical interaction was literally to make the Monkey…and that friends is enough for me. I am beside myself with ick factor.

Thoughts? Experience?

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