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If I don’t kick you out of bed…


With the impending wedding of my dear friend Commander Dipstick (he picked his blog name) and his lovely chiclet there have been tons of planning phone calls and strange Skype conversations between the few girls who have actually known the Commander and never dated and/or banged him ever. Three of us met him in college and have seen him being engaged twice before only to begin the planning process and get emails at 3am from him explaining how the whole thing was over and so forth.

Epic. The Commander has epic relationships. Whirlwind awesome and filled with dramatastic females who really can’t handle his ego. All of them are just too nice to handle his lifestyle, let alone his evil family who hates every woman who approaches. Even yours truly. *sigh* I love the future Mrs. Commander! She is head and shoulders above the rest. Her ability to keep up with his sarcasm and wit and make him look like a sniveling ding-dong makes my heart soar. The Commander has officially met his match.

How do I know the Commander? Long ass story but the long and short of it…he dated my crazy college roommate who screamed in her sleep every night between 3am and 4am. And one night he bummed a smoke from me before he bailed on her screaming ass. I mentioned to him I didn’t mind if he stayed and he remarked, I just can’t wake up with someone in the morning. And thus a friendship was born.

Long after the roommate moved out the Commander and I would chill in the quad and eat fries and smoke and drink special kool-aid. He melted into the crew like a natural. All of us regulars from the Island of Misfit Toys and just looking for some place to belong. It was stellar fantastic. I hearted him and his indifference to American life immediately. (he was from somewhere else) We stayed up watching 80’s movies and competing to see who could memorize more lines. It was epic in all kinds of platonic good ways. We never finished our conversation about why he couldn’t wake up with anyone in the morning. Well not until my trip to San Fran this last October. Since Mr. S flaked on me the Commander and his lady took me out one evening for steaks and wine and we had an entirely different conversation that opened my eyes.

It went like this…

Me: How can you stand him?

Mrs. Almost-Commander: I don’t know we just wake up every morning and do it all over again and don’t hate each other at the end of the day.

Me: Whoa. Did she say wake up? Like all night in the sleeping wake up?

Mr. Commander: Yeah since we met. I know, I know I’m broken but I like it when she’s around.

Me: Whoa. Like whoa.

Mr. Commander: Truth Mama, it’s the real thing. And I like it.

The thing is that whole thing got me thinking about how I handle stuff, okay mostly how I respond to the men I’ve dated in my life. I hate the morning after. Okay this is going to require some careful inspection. When I was younger I was stealth at the Walk of Shame. There was in fact never any shame in it. I became really good at the whole procedure and making the other not feel like there was a damn thing wrong with not exchanging numbers and not having to eat breakfast together. In fact I liked it that way. At that point in my life I wasn’t interested in relationships and it just worked. When I moved in with Mr. P after college it was weird. I was always out of bed at the butt crack of dawn doing something. Running, writing, smoking and finding any excuse to just be alone for those few hours in the morning before I had to be girlfriend and retail manager. It ended faster than it started only because I never found my groove with him. And he was sick addicted to porn and wouldn’t share.

After Mr. P and I split I almost lived with the Cowboy, and it was much better. There was a calm about the whole thing and I could have stayed in bed all friggin’ day. Sadly, we only split cause he wanted to get married and I was only twenty-one at the time otherwise we were easy peasy. And then with the Bio I found a mellow comfort zone that allowed me some extra snooze time but again I felt compelled to jump out of bed and just do shit. My level of staying power always depends on the person. (pun intended) The truth of the matter is I enjoy spending time in bed with someone who I actually like as a person and not just as a means to end. Otherwise, get your booty outta my bed and let me sleep in peace sprawled out in all my awesome glory. Mr. Commander and I agree on that one. We are people who adore our space and while we appreciate a good roll, there is a time and a place for everyone when the sun comes up.

Wow, that didn’t sound ubber whoreish or anything…did it? Ugh. I’m a woman who knows what I want and wants whatever makes me feel good and happy and safe and at peace. So, yeah if I don’t kick you out of bed before dawn it’s likely I think you’re swell. And since there have been so few of those who I don’t kick out of bed in the early hours of the morn it makes sense to me why Mr. Commander picked his lady. There are very few men who I’ve encountered that have kept my attention in the various relationship spectrum and when I find one it always throws me off for a hot minute. And I guess all that is why I’m terribly thrilled to welcome this amazing lady into the pack and thanks for making Mr. Commander Dipstick endlessly happy.

If he can do it, then so can I. Right? Oh that’s a whole other blog post…maybe the next one?


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