There’s something about being disappointed this year that already seems to be etching the whole concept as the clear theme to the beginning of the year. Purposely, I don’t make resolutions. It just seems silly to pick one point in the year to make a choice to live your life outside the box and do things you wouldn’t normally do all year long. I always find it amusing when the streets are suddenly full of runners during January and for a smidgen in February, and then poof they are gone! And of course my friends who resolve to not date and do more for themselves as individuals and to remain solo for as long as possible to focus on themselves. It never happens that way, some man comes along and throws a monkey wrench in their plans and of course it wasn’t something they could help. Right? Sure, of course they made her do it. Oh the innocuous ever present they…
They never make me do anything. Trust me they used to, but I got seriously tired of that shit.
I think the worst part of being on my own is that when I fall on my face, I have no one to blame but myself. There is no pointing the finger at anyone else in the room for pushing me because it’s my own choice to jump over the wall and see what’s on the other side.
Lately, I’ve been doing a ton of jumping around my box just to see what might happen. Acting on previous points of interest just to make sure I wasn’t possibly crawling in my box and closing the lid on the outside. Mostly, I’m working on making sure that I’ve got all unanswered questions answered and done. While the disappointment often sucks the life out of me for a day or two, it gives me a sense of ownership over the process. I know deep down inside that I did my best to accomplish the desired end result. I guess this goes back to fear and living in it, while carefully disguising it as caution.
Recently, I’ve put myself out there and let my heart flag fly…a lot. Of course if you want to go back and read the posts from last week you’ll get the gist of how much Mama has been pounding the love pavement. I don’t like sitting around waiting for things to happen. Even less I hate whining over not taking risks and being sad to have nothing going on, and I absolutely hate bitching about the choices that have been made and not doing anything to change the actions. Like the friends I see who are allegedly happy in relationships that obviously make them miserable on the regular. Why do people do that? And I’m not just talking about the chicas.
Every once in a while, I find something on the inter-webs that speaks to what my point is and makes me feel like I’m not the only one out there making efforts to encourage people to date with a feeling of self-worth. Then as I started browsing through Your Tango, I found this post by Debi Berndt and this quote stood out and made me want to jump to my feet and scream Hells Yes!! I don’t know if I could have written it any better…
“If you discount yourself, you will feel like the other person is always on top. You misguidedly believe that they have something you need and that you are incomplete.” -Debi Brandt
For those friends of mine who do this, I wish they could read this post and the light bulbs would just turn on like those creepy magic tricks when they stick the light bulb in their mouths and presto…I digress. Sometimes I feel like my leaping of faith should be enough to show some friends that falling flat on your face is good. Learning from those mistakes is fine, as long as you remember that the person deep down inside deserves to be loved first before any other person in the world. If someone doesn’t value you for who you are and who you want to be than move along, brotha and/or sista.
Love should be all encompassing and awesome! (see even after falling I still believe in love) With compromise not being based on who you are and what you want to be, but from a place that is mutual and with kindness and beneficial to both people. One should never compromise themselves for loving.
I’m in the process of leaping right now. Only a select few people know what’s going on in the leaping or what it concerns. I will blog about it when I feel it is relevant but for now just know that my heart is intact and is moving on with a whole new set of risks to be taken. There is no chance for greatness without some kind of risk, right?