the Numbers Game


If you follow the Twitter back and forth of me and The Rachel you know what we have some very interesting opinions on a variety of stuff from coffee to sexy times. Usually we have some pretty wicked awesome debates about things surrounding faith and the such, but there is one topic we have very common thought processes. Sex. Half of the people who know me in real-life know I’m sort of a recovering Free Lover and those of you who read the blog know that I have no issue with being honest about how much I love sexy times. I’m honest. I’m open. I don’t hide anything from the men who come into my life about my past unless they are upfront about not wanting to know. But, I am an open book. So when the Rachel spotted this article on The Frisky we got our panties in a twist over the usual Double Standards and lack of people’s desire for a truly open and honest relationship with their partner.

The article… Why Does It Matter How Many Partners She’s Had?

Oh the numbers game. Remember when we were younger and it was as simple as adding or subtracting three and you got your partners real number? Since the creation of various forms of birth control and the unveiling of porn the world around me has allegedly evolved into a Free Lovers playground. Experimentation has allegedly become okay and being free to live your sexy life in the open is totes no big deal. Right? According to this article and a few of the comments, I am wrong to think that the man who loves me would be okay to learn my number and know that it has nothing to do with our relationship. In fact, the author even refers to a couple of lady mags who illustrate that not many women are honest about their number but he doesn’t state what the articles state as the reason. Hmm.

The featured quoted from the article makes me think that men would view silence on the subject as golden…

The more men his girlfriend has slept with, the greater number of lovers to which she can compare his skills. It’s easier to win a contest against two than against 20, he figures. -Hugo Schwyzer of the Good Men Project.

I’m totally baffled and a shit-ton frustrated by this thinking. The fact of the matter is that I like sex. When I was younger I found that I was pretty damn good at it and that is was something I wanted to do. A lot. This is be no means a reflection on the woman I am today. In all honesty, I am way more selective now than I was ten years ago. Live and learn. Life happens and people change. Not to say I banged everything that walked but I had my fair share of good times and this was my choice as a consenting adult. Should a man come in my life and prefer not to know my number than that’s his choice. Fine. But should a man come into my life and judge me based on my number or think that it in anyway bears any kind of weight on our sexy times than this is not a man I want to be with in any way shape or form. I am who I am and my number and the past that goes along with it, is a part of who I am. Like it or not there were men before and that is not something I can’t change, nor do I want to. I love my stories. I love my choices and don’t regret them.

Personally, I don’t know a man alive who would call another dude a ‘man whore’. Really? Nomad and I have discussed this one. And over and over again, we agree that men and women should not judge each other based on their pasts sexy life. So, why are there so many people who feel that this numbers thing is such a taboo topic? Is it just a male/female ego thing? I personally don’t get the damage that is allegedly done to a relationship by knowing the truth of how many partners another person has entertained. When I was younger (21), I had a boyfriend I affectionately call the Cowboy now. He was the first person to show me that I was just me and not defined by any number or experience, and that I chose to define myself as I saw fit. He loved me for who I was and who I wanted to be…he had a huge impact on how confident I ended up being about me. And that is how I approach my relationships today. You are who you are, and I either love that person or I don’t…please don’t change for me, just be you and if we mesh then it was worth the journey to get here. End of story.

I’ve got several friends male and female who at this age would prefer a partner with experience under their belt. Having the chance to explore with a partner is totes more fun than having to show them the ropes, is the basic thinking around my circle of friends. I’ve just now messaged with three men-folk in my life who say it is preferable to have a woman with some sexy experience.

I got these responses and the G-Talk…

‘Seriously, D? Okay, well if I’m delusional to think that a woman has no prior experience than there are deeper issues than her numbers.’ -Sam, engaged (33) Financial Wizard

‘..if I’m not okay with a woman have prior experience at our age (36) than I might as well take a look at my own insecurities and acknowledge that I have them. I think that’s what it boils down to; being confident in your abilities and trusting that your in it together.’ -Lucas, in a relationship Server Builder Guy

‘Numbers is a part of someone’s life experience. Right? So why would I judge someone for that or let that affect us in bed or how I perceive her? If she can keep up and can show me a trick or two than let’s play ball’ Mark, single 32 Sports Writer

If my male friends from across the USA in a broad range of relationships and spectrum’s are all so open-minded than who are the men who think this way? Are there women who would prefer to never know? What’s the deal? I am I totes off-case or what?


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