Where is my Stop Button?

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New Guy is getting a new nickname…Mr. Good Guy. Why you ask? Here’s the deal…

It has been a while since I’ve blogged and a bit since I felt like it. My life has been in a sort of limbo. Work limbo. Relationship limbo. Friendship limbo. There’s been a ton of junk swirling around and when I can’t put my finger on something and call it a spade I just don’t know what to write about.

This last weekend I was sick in a way I haven’t been sick in a least a couple years. Like wicked sick. And yet, I convinced myself I could go out on Saturday for a birthday party and it was awesome. Nomad showed up to save me after New Guy had to bail to go to a memorial service. There was dinner and good people and drinks that I could not consume because I felt like I was going to die. No kidding. Through the process of conversing with Nomad about New Guy, and my illness induced freak out over not seeing each other regularly, Nomad said the words that I hadn’t thought of about any guy in a long time…he seems like a Good Guy. My feverish body was in denial of there being any truth to those words. His life is busy. His family comes first. His friends are important to him. And I don’t seem to fit into that Big Picture. Yet. Duh!

Nomad broke it down for me and it went something like this… Mama, you are just getting to know him. You aren’t family, you aren’t even officially his girlfriend. You’re going to have a place in that Big Picture if it is meant to be. But if you freak out now and run from what seems like a genuinely Good Guy, you will never know if you were supposed to be in that picture at all.

Women, okay maybe just me, should not be allowed to date during the stomach flu. Seriously, there should be some kind of Stop Button that keeps us from partaking in dating while sick. Fevers breed irrational thoughts and make for bad Juju. Trust me. What does it all mean, right? I’m not used to dating people who care about the other important people in their lives. I’ve dated men who make time for themselves and then maybe the others in their lives. My most recent lesson was Mr. S and his selfish behavior towards our relationship. It was and will always be about him. But Good Guy has been raised to feel that those who he considers family are the most important thing in his world and that if they need him, he is there. In a heartbeat. This is huge for me. I adore my family, chosen and birth, to the point of undying loyalty. It’s how my family does it, too. We are there for each other. We are a unit. We are a Village. Meeting someone who feels the same and really knows how to walk-the-walk is refreshing. And yet, looking at this point in our dating process, I found myself feeling outside the Big Picture looking in and wondering when I get to participate. There are stripes to be earned for shizzle on my part and his, as we progress into the peripherals of family, friends and everything else. And I’m down for that. But admittedly this is more work than I’ve ever done at the beginning of a relationship, the most testing of my patience I’ve ever had and the truest challenge of my hearts ability to be honest with myself.

I’ve started relationship in a rushed fashion. Thought I had fallen in love and ended up a few months into it realizing that this person was nothing like I had hoped and pictured them to be. And sadly repeating that process of feeling broken, unloved and unworthy of it. Vicious cycles that were created by something untrue. A story I told myself to convince my heart that it was okay to let someone in who I didn’t even know. Nomad’s point is valid. He speaks the truth and knows me. My panic is unwarranted. My fear is manufactured. Nomad is right. There will be a time, when it is right and if it is meant to be, for me and Good Guy to merge our Big Pictures to create one amazing image captured because two people have found each other. And not because we created a relationship based on false pretense.

That felt good. Don’t you love it when you do something and it feels good? Loves it.

And oh, why did New Guy become Good Guy? Was it because Nomad named him? Or was it something more? Stay tuned…

x.x.x.

Mama.

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