Defining oneself is tough and doing that while dating someone else is even harder. Throw in Mama-hood and you’re mixing something that can often lead to loss of self. What?!? I know, you’re thinking balderdash! That could never happen. Well it happens. It even happens to me occasionally, well for like five years but we’ve been down that shitty road.
In a time when I see more and more of my friend jumping into relationships that lack heart and soul, and desperately redefining themselves through others I can’t help but wonder if there is a reason to even be in a relationship for me at this point?
Some people call it growth, while others call it learning about how to be in a relationship with your mate. I call it coping out. Maybe, just maybe I am so cynical at this juncture that I just don’t see it happening for me. If I have to sit around and wait for a man to think about calling me or for him to have time to spend with me then I just don’t want to bother. Should a relationship be spent convincing the other person that they have a good head on their shoulders? Should I have to teach someone that they exist for a purpose other than me? Should I have to put myself on the back-burner so my mates friend can always come first? Should there ever be a time when I put myself to sleep crying over lack of communication? No, no, no! I simply cannot stand to hear friend rant about how their man doesn’t get them but that they are growing together and how they will someday look back on this and be better for it. I detest hearing friends talk about how there are no real men out there and that every date is the worst date they’ve been on. I’m at the end of my rope with all this nonsense.
My Mom told me when I was young that if I wanted something than the only obstacle to getting it was me. And maybe that holds true today, with dating. Maybe I’m preventing myself from dating the kind of quality person I truly want in my life. Or maybe I’m just not cut out for this stuff. It is quite possible that I am way too assertive and independent for there to me a man who fits into the life I’ve created. Lord knows I have tried dating several types of men over the last few months and well nada. I’ve dared the dating Gods to send him and either they are pranksters or maybe he’s just not out there.
Oh wait, back to my point…my bad…
My friend had what she called a good date until she got a shady vibe from the guy. Why? He wouldn’t tell her yet why he doesn’t drink anymore or why he recently moved back to here. And here’s my thoughts…you didn’t think the dude who vanished for weeks at a time was shady, but you think this guy who is keeping a few things private is shady? Omgee! Give me a gosh darn break, people. In further talks, she explained that she can’t date someone who can’t be open and honest and show their true colors. Of course, I totes agree. But here’s the thing, she was much happier to sit around and wait for a guy who couldn’t make time for her than this guy who would prefer to keep a few things on the DL for now. In the first round of getting to know each other, I do not for any reason put all my cards out on the table. I mean what guy wants to know that my Middle School Sweetheart dumped me when I was three months preggers and didn’t look back for a minute. Seriously, that screams red flags right? She was willing to work through no phone calls and communication because she felt they had something there. She was willing to dismiss the fact that he was willing to talk about future plans but never made them and never called when he said he would to confirm plans. But why? Personally, I’m not that sure. Is it lack of some inner lovin’? Maybe she just doesn’t want a relationship? Ugh. I don’t know and maybe that is the problem. No one really knows why we do what we do when it comes to mating. All I know is that I am exhausted with trying to figure it out.
Honestly, I don’t think that people who need someone else in their life to feel complete should be allowed to date…there should be some kind of dating purgatory, and when you can see your own value you can resume hunting for a mate. Really that’s the issue I have here. People around me who I love that can’t see how truly amazing they are and settle for something less than what they are worthy of just to not be alone.
Alright I’m going to come down off my dating soapbox now…all I ask is that you take a moment and just be good to you for a little bit…and see how wicked good that feels.