Yesterday was epic on the grand scale of days that I would have preferred to stay in bed. Thankfully, there was nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a Monkey hug and kiss. However, my feeling of overwhelm keeps coming to the surface that is until my Mom told me something hilarious…she and my Dad had a conversation about their married life and then onto my Dad feeling that I am way more like him than he ever imagined. Why does this amuse me? Well because I’ve thought it most of my life. There are few things that I don’t own but his general philosophy on life is pretty much how I live my life, with a dash of my Mom’s sensibility and desire to do.
Even before I re-met the Bio and had the Monkey, I had this sense of empowerment that I didn’t really need anyone in my life to be satisfied. But companionship and the desire to share my life with someone always returned even after I was sure there wasn’t a person who could meet my needs. My Dad was married twice before my Mom, and really I believe that if he hadn’t met her he may have married a few more times and then some. But, she gave him something he hadn’t found with anyone else…unconditional love and respect. And that is what I haven’t found in any one man.
There are always bits and pieces that fit and feel adequate but never like my Dad’s desire to keep my Mom in his life and provide for and protect her. I’ve not had that burning desire to sacrifice for love. To give up certain aspects of me, to create something fantastic and unified. I’ve always been the one standing up against the united front because I feared losing myself in the process. And yet, somehow being with the Bio for as long as I was, I fought so hard that I did lose the shell and then crumbled under it.
I’m a fighter just like my Dad (and my Mom too). I’m a bit of an eccentric. I’m kinda of a little hippie-ish. I love music and how it tells the story of my day just perfectly. I adore just sitting with a glass of wine (or a beer) and starring off into nothing. I LOVE football. I would do anything for my kid. I’m a little mellow yellow when things don’t go my way. I’m a better artist than I let people in on. I’m self-deprecating. I’m always scheming to make money. I create things before anyone else and forget about it. I love spending time in silence…
Truly, I could go on for days. My parents are my heroes. They’ve shown me love. They are amazing. And yeah, I’m kinda a Daddy’s Girl. So, yeah I’m like my Dad and I think that’s pretty frackin’ cool.
I just hope someday, I find someone who doesn’t let me go and gives me a reason to open up to love.