Up until recently, I have been Ass-Free. Not like I didn’t have a butt. But, I didn’t have anything resembling what many of my guy friends call Ass. It seems a nice combo of drinking with the Rachel and taking meds to heal my injured ovaries has brought upon a smidgen of pounds, and thus an Ass. I am not a fan of it. In fact, I mock it as I’m running up and down the hills of my sleepy community. Daring and taunting it to try to stick around as I am now med-free and have refrained from drinkage due to lack of cashage. Slowly, I have begun literally trying tokick my Ass and have started shedding some pounds. However it was brought to my attention by Mr. S during our time yesterday that he is quite the fan of my Bootius Maximus and that my lack of Ass two years prior was still HOT but that this butt was a nice addition to my already stellar female shape.
So now I’ve got a ubber crisis on my hands (okay not really, but it’s kind of a dilemma…sorta).
Fellow blogger @TurnJacson wrote about body image on his blog the other day and it was something that got me thinking about my own body image. I think I look great naked. Then I start to put clothes on and I only like the way I look in dresses or ensembles that don’t involve pants in the slightest. It makes me cringe to look at my Ass in my jeans that I have that still fit, but in an obscene You-Can-Find-Me-In-The-Club kinda way. Not a chance in hell they could be worn to work or the grocery store or to pick up the Monkey at school. Not gonna happen. After reading Turn’s post I decided that my recent pledge to be healthy no matter what was something I needed to stick to and that the Ass had to go. There’s no place for it in my world. It’s like looking in the mirror and hearing that song, ‘one of these things just doesn’t belong here’ played at not 10 but11 (who gets the reference?).
But now here’s the rub. The man-person in my life likes it. He appreciates my need to be healthy and lose the remainingeight pounds of unhappy weight on my body, but he wants the Ass to stick around for as long as possible. Okay, now albeit that doesn’t sound like a problem really, the real issue is having my own self-image challenged by the one person who has seen me more naked than just physically. Mr. S and I have been through a lot together over the last 17 years that we’ve known each other and he’s seen me cry my eyes out over the end of things with the Bio multiple times, saw me become a single Mom on the day he came to visit me at the hospital the day after the Monkey was born and saw me pick my date to move out of the Bio’s house…he’s been there for so many big life transitions. He held my hand several times when I admitted I was lost. And he showed me what it’s like to have someone turn their lives upside down for your love. Having him heart me and my Ass means something entirely different to me.
What does that friggin’ mean? I think the word is unconditional. Right? That’s what it is, right? Sorry, I think I just got the chills writing that word. Unconditional is something I struggle with when it comes to others…okay, people I date. I love my family with no conditions, even when there are instances when strangling feels worthy, but they love me with no conditions. I love the Monkey no matter how many times he steals my Gummy Bears and hides them from me. But the string of recent relationships in the dating realm that I have had, have left a lot to be desired in the unconditional-ness. I mean this goes all the way back to the Bio. Having someone tell me that I rock all around has usually come with some kind of deal that needs to be struck in order for the claim to be valid for longer than the moment the words are uttered. I’ve always felt the need to conform to make relationships work, and that’s usually when I walk. But to have someone actually heart you the way you are from the fact that you still find sticking your tongue out a valid argument response when you have no rebuttal to the fact that your Ass has grown a few stitches is well, umm different.
So, what to do…what to do…
My Ass is all kinds of flattered by the attention, however my brain is now wondering what the heck is going on here. Is the Ass going to stay? Is the Ass still out? What will become of the Ass? All good questions. I still feel like I need to lose the extra poundage to be at a healthy weight and it’s only eight pounds. But, maybe just maybe I don’t feel so bad about seeing the bootie around while I get back to good shape. It’s kind of growing on me (umm, really bad pun intended). And maybe at some point we can implement naked work days, so I don’t have to get dressed? Just brainstorming here. So the body image issues I’ve been having are less than true issues and really just circumstances that are totally work-aroundable. This unconditional-ness is by no means an instant fix to the body image concerns by any means. But it feels kinda nice to have someone appreciate the shape of things.