Danger: I’ve been thinking

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I’ve been thinking about how to write this one. All night last night I thought about it.

I am kind of in a new-ish relationship. Okay, it’s really a do-over. But, we’ve agreed rushing into the whole thing makes no sense to either of us right now. We need to let this whole thing rest like a good piece of meat post-cooking. There’s not a desire to completely ‘eff this up as we did in the past. Mr. S and I like each other and I don’t think it’s early to say we’re in Hearts with one another. And yet, we barely see each other…I kinda like it that way. But, it seems that several of my friends are jumping straight from ‘Hey it’s nice to meet you’ to ‘Hey do you like this bath mat for our place’ in90 days or less and are not the least bit concerned about how it might play out. Am I just to cynical and cautious? Is it possible that I’m just sooo jaded I don’t see the fairies in the forest anymore? Possible. Totes possible.

Or maybe I’m just comfortable with a different kind of relationship at thisjuncture in my life…

I love my freedom. I love my space. I love my days off. I love shopping for my own decor. I love buying things to surprise him. I love spending days with the Monkey. I love drinking wine my unders with a clay mask on my face. I love watching junk television until I pass out.

I’ve grown up and out of the old desire to have a man fill a space in my life to make it complete. I complete it.

I love having a man in my life. I love looking forward to seeing him. I love the texts messages. I love the phone calls. I love the random emails of shit from set. I love knowing that someone is thinking about me.

I’m certain that there is a reason I feel as I do. I know that in my early twenties I pushed myself to let men into my life so as to not be alone for too long. I dedicated myself to blinding myself from the reality that the shoe might drop at some point.And if it did, it was most surely something I did wrong.Now I’m well aware that the shoe could drop and if it does I’m aware that it might take some assessment on whether I really want to help that person in my life pick it up and put it back on. Now I know the shoe is not the end of the world always and it’s not my fault when it does drop. And that throwing it at the other person isn’t necessarily a mature response.

Maybe my deductions about other people’s relationships is because I’m my Mom’s child. My Mom Character Meter has been installed and I see things others don’t. The lessons I’ve learned from myself I pass on to those who will listen and I’m not afraid to share at this point. Or maybe it’s just because I’ve got an evil spirit camped out in my soul and all I can see is the evil people are bound to do (I watch too many movies).

One of my lifelong friends is in a relationship that she finds is now suffocating here senseless because she was so desperate for the Unicorns to not die that she overlooked several things that her current partner does on the regular that irk her to the core. He apparently makes up excuses for being late because he gets caught up at work. They’ve had the Just Text Me convo and nothing. But recently, he overstepped housing boundaries when she asked him to be her emergency Key Holder and let himself into her home. Now this breech of comfort has her looking at the big picture that she refused to see prior to this instance. At what point do we need to put the rainbows on the shelf to see the reality? If we see the Big Picture sooner, rather than later are we bound to deal with that silly shoe better?

Mr. S is flawed. He is capable of hurting me, not because he’s a bad person but because he’s human and see him for what he is truly. He’s a man with the best intentions but at the same point his character isn’t perfect. He makes errors in judgement. He works too much. He has definite issues with commitment. He is afraid of failure. And sooo many more things that I could fill a whole post just on the reality that he is not perfect. But going into this I know all the good, the bad and the very ugly and I make the choice to stay because I can see him. And I accept him.

Maybe relationships that are begun on just the desire to build a puppy farm together work out and everyone is happy to the end’s of the Time and the shoe never drops (or maybe it does and no one sees it in the puppy dog poo). But I will take full disclosure any day over a ride on a rainbow, not knowing if the pot of gold is real orjust a bowl of vending machine slugs.

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