When I was 22 I was living with a Loser

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Alright enough of the Emo-ey goodness I’ve been dishing out this last week. I’m working on the Emotional Cage Match that is going on in my heart and my head, and maybe some of that has to do with the loss of life I’ve experienced lately. Or maybe some of it has to do with the fact that I did turn 32 years old last Friday, and while there was an outpouring of lovely birthday wishes all over my world, there is something missing…

Then I went for a four mile run all over my little part of the world and it hit me when this song by Lily Allen came on the Pandora. Have you ever had a song’s lyrics hit you upside the head and make you stop and just feel something? For me it’s usually something by Regina Spektor, Joss Stone or something with history and meaning. Something the resonates in the moments of my life, but her song holds no value. It’s kitchy and fun to crawl my ass off to but nothing hugely impressive.

Then I listened to the words…

When she was 22 the future looked bright
But she’s nearly 30 now
and she’s out every night
I see that look in her face
she’s got that look in her eye
She’s thinking how did I get here
and wondering why
 
It’s sad but it’s true how society says
Her life is already over
There’s nothing to do
and there’s nothing to say
 
Til the man of her dreams comes along
picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age
 
She’s got an alright job
but it’s not a career
Whenever she thinks about it,
it brings her to tears
Cause all she wants is a boyfriend
She gets one-night stands
She’s thinking how did I get here
I’m doing all that I can
 

I’ve had a few moments this weekend where I was alone without the Monkey and feeling like I’ve done all I can. Maybe I’m a Solo Ranger and I’m meant to trek this planet with just the Monkey and the family who loves me no matter how silly of a girl I might be. I remember the days when I was younger and it seemed like everything would just fall into place and be perfect no matter what. At 22 I was living with Mr. Porn Addict and more than happy with what I had, but miserable with the arms length I always let myself be kept at in all my relationships. Did I see us as forever and ever ooey gooey wonderment? Nah, but it felt good. That is in spite of his intense desire to jerk off to computer porn while I slept in the room next door. After that I spread my wings and let it ride. Dating and dating and well you know just being me.

Maybe I’m not fit to be tied down. I want it. I want to be tied down by someone (stop it Switzer, just stop it…dirty bird! And you too Rachel!! I can hear you thinking it) and to keep a home with someone. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask some days, but I remember thinking when I was younger that it would just come to me. Effortless and easy, it would just be something I could do like everything else I’ve accomplished in my life.

Like the lyrics say…

I see that look in her face
she’s got that look in her eye
She’s thinking how did I get here
and wondering why

My work is not who I am…in fact, it’s slowly driving me bonkers and I don’t know how I got here. If it wasn’t for sharing my space with the Rachel, I might have lost it sooner. My heart is that of a writer, keeping my blogs, journals and sharing with everyone who I am and how I got here. Helping those on the same journey to see that it’s not impossible, but it is work. This life is work.

When I wake up in the morning I’m always in this mad dash for the next good moment. Those moments that add up and keep me feeling partially whole. Oh to be completely whole and full of all that makes days feel completely complete and not aimless.

I’ve got faith that things are working out the way they should, but how much effort do I put into keeping myself away from the finale? Maybe there is something to that whole worst enemy theory people have…I will consult the all important ‘They’ and return with an answer as soon as they answer their phone.

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