“It’s always been you. I can’t get over it”

When someone puts them self out on the shelf for the world to see it is something I find annoying and sometimes frustrating. How can this person really think, it’s always been me? I mean we had a chance and he blew it. Right?

Okay, so instead of writing this post as though I am talking to myself…I will explain. Mr. S. Have I ever really elaborated on the story? Not really. We dated 2 years ago. He had always admired me from afar since we were kiddos and finally I saw in him what was always there…a real person who adored me, no matter how many times he had to pick me up after the Bio left and no matter how giant I got as a single preggers lady. And I got H-U-G-E! I first saw it when I was preggers with the Monkey actually. He got sooo angry with me for talking about working things out with the Bio for the sake of our unborn Monkey. He yelled at me for not seeing what was really going on. He stood up for me when I wouldn’t do it. He was there the day I left the Bio and every day after.

I left my spruce like feeling aside because he’d been with his girlfriend for so long…it wasn’t fair but I was a big girl and would deal. Here was this guy who built me up and never tore me down. Here was this person who respected me and cared about me. Here was this Man who felt pain every time I called him to come over, only to cry and confess that I knew my life as a single Mom was just beginning.

January 2008…we hadn’t talked in forever. I was hibernating and hiding from the real world. He tried to get back in and there it was again. Those feelings. I stomped them out over lunch and he admitted he was thinking that things were not where he wanted them to be in his personal life. Internally I did a small Happy Dance but knew I was still not ready to date. Not remotely close. And if he was going to be newly single after all that time it made no sense. We were both broken, but at least we were friends. We agreed to have lunch dates once a month or more depending on his schedule…

March 2008…our first actual plans since the lunch and we decided to go for dinner and drinks Downtown. After a few too many Mojito’s I blurted out silly girly flirting stuff and he started to catch on…I’ve gotta point out the Monkey was only 2- and I hadn’t drunk much aka Light Weight…he knew where I was. I tried to hide. We talked about his waning relationship with his GF and he told me it was notworking anymore and how he was trying to be the Guyshe needed him to be at that point.Sad but I do remember feeling Hope at that point. We went back to his place and there it began…Disaster dressed in Hope’s best Sunday wares.

After that night we spent every available moment he had together. He allegedly broke up with her at some point after that night in March.. I know my part in it. I know that I encouraged someone to leave another person only for my own selfish motives. I held myself at the end of the stick and made him chase it. We spent months together and he even rescued me from a shotty business trip for my past employer. He was my mine.

Alas, something had to give. Nothing comes without some kind of payment. And Karma is a Bitch. In an effort to mend fences he had crushed and keep things from exploding in his face he kept up appearances with his Old Life (my version not his) and started a new one with me. One that had empty gaping holes. I went from blissfully thrilled to decidedly unsatisfied. And then I tore down the mountain. Tons of He Said/She Said later and I ran away. There were unanswered questions and heart broken and well for lack of a truer version I believed he was leading a double life…keeping us both around because he wouldn’t break her heart. And so he broke mine. What was really going on? I’m not sure. He’s never admitted that he hadn’t broken up with the GF and I never let him explain after that day when I wrote him off. I can’t say I know the truth for sure. Just here say and well we all know how that works.

So, here I am today. Five hours of sleep and tons of texting accomplished between me and Mr. S and I’ve got more of his side of the story. Side Note:My therapist thinks it’s a good idea for me to get closure and the issue and that if I don’t let him give his apologies to me then I’m not letting the healing happen. All I can think about is where we used to be and how seeing him again might make me slide back into something I still think of with fond thoughts.

After last nights conversation, I know a few things. I miss Mr. S in my life. I miss his friendship. I miss our late night chats while he’s on the road. I miss him. But, I also miss all the other things we created too. I miss kissing him. I miss holding his hand. I miss losing track of time while sitting in silence on the beach. I miss how he ordered for me if I went to the bathroom and always got it right. I miss how he’d send me stupid texts that always made me smile. I miss us. I miss how we functioned together daily even without seeing each other.

Does that mean there will be an ‘us’ again? I don’t know. I’m not sure what I am equipped to move forward with on this one.

I know in my heart I want everything to be Hearts and Puppy Dogs (that’s for Jolenewho inspires me with her rants and her quotes!).

I know what my heart wants from him. I just don’t know if my heart can take anymore disappointment from the situation we created. But does it have to be a re-growth of that former situation or can we create something new based on our experience from that former time? Here’s where I’m stuck…