the Mama Anxiety

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There are a lot of feelings of anxiety today.

The Monkey’s Child Support is getting cut almost in half because Mama makes way more than the Bio. That’s right his extra day every other weekend has prompted him to file paperwork to decrease the support and because I make more money that equation means less support for the Monkey. Alas, it was nice while it lasted but I’m good with these kinds of situations and with the help of my family and my people the Monkey and I will get through this rough patch. *deep breath*

Tomorrow is the Monkey’s 4th Birthday…I’m sort of a swirl of emotions about how his birth happened and how much he had to experience to make it into this world. I was 30 weeks preggers and sharing a condo with the Bio, mostly out of delusions and ridiculous notions that a family would be easy to make happen with someone I was slowly beginning to despise on various levels. (Yay Hormones!) It was July 11 at 4am and I woke up to pee and yet again didn’t make it to the bathroom…from that day on I felt like crap and nothing seemed right with my body. Every day I told the Bio something was wrong and he would talk me into waiting to rush into the hospital and so in my state of mind I passed it off as something else. The nausea passed and came back and finally on my way home from work on Friday I felt it…something was happening with my body and there was something very wrong. I dragged the Bio with me to the hospital and found out that my water had broken…three days earlier. My body was fighting to keep my son alive. My body was in shock and doing everything it could to keep us alive. There was a window of opportunity to keep us both safe and alive and it was closing quickly…at 7.04pm on July 14th 2006 I had an emergency C-Section to save my baby’s life and mine. It was traumatic and scary and the only time in my life where I have felt a total loss of control.

the Mama Anxiety - the Mama Anxiety
24 Hours Old…3lbs. 4oz

To this day, four years later I am blessed. My Monkey is the most important thing in my life. While I know that his journey is his own and how he came into this world is a part of that, as his Mama I wish that he never had endure the 7 weeks in the NICU…all the blood tests, the internal issues, the breathing treatments and the medication. But as parents isn’t that our lot in life? To know that bad/painful things might happen and wish we could change them for our children, but the only thing we can do is be there to pick them up and teach them the best ways to deal with what life throws at them.

Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day. My Baby Boy is getting bigger and stronger everyday and has already met and exceeded medical expectations after his preemie birth. The Monkey thrives. The Monkey is amazing. The Monkey is awesome sauce.

Thanks for reading…

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