Yesterday was the Monkey’s 4th Birthday and it was fantastic. We spent the day with the Bio in Long Beach at the Aquarium of the Pacific and then we walked to Shoreline Village…it was bliss. Pre-AOP days my own grandparents would drive me and my sister to the Shore and we’d walk through the shops and get lunch and just enjoy our summer afternoons together. This day was very much like those memories. Peace and quiet and just fun. There was no parental discord, there were no Monkey Mishaps and we all just enjoyed the Monkey’s Day entirely.
The Bio always has this way of trying to joke about things when it gets weird and it only got oddish once…he joked about being single forever and it was one of those moments you picture in movies…I raised my sunglasses as we watched the Monkey touch Rays and splash water and I looked at him only to say, ‘it’s not going to be like that forever, you know that’. I knew what he meant. He meant me. He meant, he thought I was going to be ‘single forever’. I said it once, that there was no way I was going to recover from the heartache we cause each other and that I’d never be okay enough to love anyone else but the Monkey, and that I would be ‘single forever’. His joking either serves to open doors he isn’t ready to address or to make things feel less weird for him. I know this. I’ve lived with it since I was 11 years old and well, it’s one thing I always let him have. Just not then. I’m not that Woman who made those claims four years ago. She’s grown into something else…some phenomenal.
As I look at my little Monkey and think about this heart beating in my chest I think about what we both deserve…love.
The rest of our day was pretty cookie cutter, for us anyway. Lunch, ice cream watching boats and climbing grassy hills by the beach. And the drive home was silent except for a few moments when I could feel the Bio trying to work up the courage to ask me the question he was ‘joking’ about earlier. Sadly, it came out in more protective jokes and deflection…I finally said, ‘ask me when you’re ready and I will be honest’. The Bio and I have known each other more than half our lives. We grew up together as pre-teens and then again as young adults. We know each
other in a certain way that will never change. However, like my Mr. C says he acts like he has ‘dibs on me’. The Bio will never see me comfortably with anyone else and that is because he hasn’t dealt with the loss of the us we starting building 21 years ago. I’ll admit it was tough the first time I saw a picture of him with someone else and the first time someone told me he was dating…but that was three years ago. He still keeps her a secret and denies she exists or that there is anything to share regarding that portion of his life. That’s okay, but eventually (and actually last weekend) the Monkey is going to start mentioning the Girlfriend and his encounters with her as they continue on as a couple.
I’ve got no fear of what that would be like. I’ve got no reason to not tell the Bio if and when I do start seeing someone who has the potential for long-term existence in my life, especially since it would impact the Monkey. I suppose that’s the huge difference between me and him at this point…
So on the day the Monkey turned four years old, Mama gained some perspective.