These past few days have been an emotional and physical challenge for me. And without my family I wouldn’t have made it through them without breaking down, like I feel might be necessary today.
I’m at a crossroads. And I’m not feeling very good about it right now.
First, I hurt my back last week at some point on the Monkey’s birthday and have been in pain since Thursday, I did my best to grin and not let anyone know it was hurting me but I found myself frustrated and even a smidgen angry with those around me. People are just so used to me not complaining orusing myvoice when it comes to my physical pain that I found myself looking at how I usually handle those moments and getting really pissed at how I let that happen. I don’t want to let anyone down. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been the cause of disappoint and well it’s ridiculous in fact.
Next, I don’t do very well with conflict that arises from my own uncertainty. I hate it. I hate not being sure about things. I hate feeling conflicted about something and what my next steps should be. And being injured this last week made it even harder to feel like I was make solid choices in my head for me and not for someone else. I need a break from me. I need to take a moment to collapse on myself and just let it all go. I think I will this week before the Monkey weekend of parties.
And, I’m feeling something I haven’t felt in regards to Mr. S in a long time. Compassion. He’s been in my opinion harassing me for the last few weeks and I’ve rebuffed his emails and texts and just blow him off. But today something struck me and I can’t get it out of my head. He hurt me. He hurt his girlfriend. I let him. I walked right into and didn’t look back for a moment. I’ve got a good mind to let him do his whole cathartic spewing of sorry to me at some point…just not sure when.
Also, Mr. Nomad has made a reappearance this last week and he insists giving him a chance would be in both our best interests. He’s even said he’ll get himself an apartment wherever would make me feel like he’s trying to set down roots. (he read my blog post and his mention) That’s sweet I think. And Mr. C thinks it’d be okay at this point in my life to see what happens. After all, it’s just coffee…eck. I dunno.
Finally, I don’t know what else there was…I’ve been feeling restless, which can’t mean anything good for those around me. I apologize in advance. There’s a lot of work to do today…