I’m about to crawl into bed…it’s an odd thing when you realize that you don’t have to wear ‘jamas. Whenever I’ve lived on my own or technically with someone I rarely have worn anything to bed. While the whole prospect of sitting around in a tank top and undies is extremely freeing it also makes me miss the norm. The Monkey that is…I miss him. These weekends are tough on me and then I have my usual distractions. I didn’t make it to any of them this weekend but it felt good to feel something genuine for a change. Nothing about this weekend’s experience felt contrived. I felt it and I cried for a good part of this last couple of days. I mean really felt it. How is it that I got here? How is it that feeling something like this is so foreign?

My best friend came over to watch movies with me all the way from Santa Barbara because his wife, also an amazing friend, told him about my tweets yesterday. And while he has his own opinions and they are all valid ones at that, there was one thing that stuck out for me. Mr. C was very sure this is me opening myself up to what he calls ‘the real’ stuff. Not the made up shit you come up with about a guy when you see him on-line and imagine how awesome he might be just based on a picture or profile. He reminded me of the only time he saw me truly happy and it wasn’t with the Bio. That hurt. I mean here’s this person who has known me most of my life…well, 10 years at least and he didn’t remember me being happy with the father of my child. Ouch.

This got me thinking after he left about ‘the real’…as he defines it in his little Man noggin’ it’s taking the time to see what’s around you and really appreciating it for what it is. It’s seeing something that has always been there and noticing the shapes and colors are more beautiful than you ever imagined. Oh did I mention we both majored in Art History? He says it’s how he noticed his own wife. She had always been there but then something happened and he said it was like the Sun came out and he couldn’t stand the thought of being away from her. Technically, I introduced them after she became my study partner for a Life in Art class but whatever.

I get it. I get ‘the real’ now and what it means.

I spent a lot of my time after the Bio and I moved away from each other in a Mama Coma. Only focusing on my child and what I needed to do to support and protect the Monkey, that nothing else mattered. I couldn’t juggle. I didn’t know I could have more than just that or that I deserved more. I guess now I know that I can be the Monkey Mama and havemy slice of cake here and there. And it feels good. It feels good to feel something right now. Whether it’s the possibility of what might come or the bruising that has come from this weekend…I’m down for whatever. More importantly I’m down for ‘the real’…for real.