the Empty Finger


Friday night found me cleaning out some post-move boxes and well it led to one with a ton of old jewelry…well, I know what you’re thinking…you’re still opening boxes, Mama! It’s like June tomorrow. Get on with it. Okay, well in that one box I found my only engagement ring. What, you say? Engagement ring? Umm, but you’ve never been wedded to anyone? How can that be?

Well, fair friends I have been proposed to three times. Umm, yeah three. Two very unmemorable proposals…and one that I havecarefully blocked out of my head*sigh* So, how did I end up with the ring? That I totally forgot about until the other night. Long ass story…

My first proposal was when I was nineteen years old. I had returned from my treks around the world settled down at the local JC and was ready to transfer to my official bad girl breeding ground. On my daily rounds of the COC as it’s known here I met a boy who caught my eye. I’d dated several boy-folk at this point and only he stuck because he wasn’t the usual stick-to-me-like-glue newbie. He was uninterested and I had to find a means to conquer. Sadly, I did. At the end of our semester together after a few short months he proposed. I’m not sure if there was a ring because I bailed out of the car after a very short and sweet explanation of how wrong it was…I was young! I was selfish and had selfish motives for being with him to begin with and it was just plain awful to feel that way when someone put themselves out there.

The second was once upon a time in my last year in the big leagues before I went off like a grown-up to the real world. I met this boy who was really amazing. He was here for only one semester from South Africa and wasn’t like one of those guys you’d picture me with ever. He was well, he was a Bruin. Haha. He was a foreign exchange student here for a couple of semesters and I only got one with him. Okay well one and a summer. I never told anyone about him except my best friend at the time Sara. Alright so the story goes like this we met at a Fraternity-Sorority Mixer (I was pledging at the time) and he thought the whole process was as ridiculous as I did. We laughed all night and made jokes about how people looked terrified of the rejection. At the end of the night we shared Grand Slam’s and ice cream at 4am. He wasintelligent andwitty and well frankly he was hot. And no he wasn’t the blonde-blue eyed versionofwhat you’re picturing, when you think of the Southern part of Africa. Ugh. And his accent…holy goodness the way he spoke about things. Alright, so we spent a whole Spring and Summer together. I hate it that I forgot himalmost entirely. I hate it that I remember him so vividly today and that I can’tfor the life of me think of whereto find him. I had his address.And now he’s just a memory and a sincerely beautiful one at that…our last few nights together he asked me to let him stay or to come with him and I didn’t know what he was leading up to really. At that pointI had nothingkeeping me here and well the only thing that could keephim here was me…right? He decided to go home and I didn’t get why it hurt sobadly. But it did. I was young.He gaveme something and I thought it was just ajewelry box. You know a keepsake to remember him and so forth but he kept insisting that I open it when I was sure I missed him…it took me a couple months to open it. His leaving left a hole in my heart. I was with Mr. P and already feelingthe weight of that unhealthy relationship. Inside was a letter asking me to be withhim forever. I suck…I was angry at him for going when I could have changed that for both of us. Today I can only imagine what his life must be like…a doctor changing the world somewhere.

Andthe final, was well it involved someone Idon’t feel that great about now…so I won’t even bother totell the story…you get it. It was one of those, well while we’re at it type of things. But no ring.

So where did the ring come from? Was it Bachelor NumberOne with his young love lasts forever proposal orBachelor Number Two with his your love keeps meHere Proposal?Guesses? Wagers?

I’m not sure ifthe sad part is the forgottenring or the botched proposals, really. Honestly, the sad part is that in the last twenty years of dating, and yes I count back to when I was 12 since that’s when I first felt the heart breakage occur…umm, okay the sad part is that I have blocked out two amazing guys. I have experienced good relationships with Men who have shown me love and trust. It’s not all been rocky fights and break-ups, albeit the majority of the one’s that stand out are the awful. I have been loved by Men who care about Me. And I will again someday. I will have someone look me in the eye and mean what they say and mean it with the depths of their soul. There will be someone who shows me genuine emotion because that is what he feels not to get something he wants. *deep breath*

Alright Love Gods…here I am bitches…BRING IT.


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