Last night I talked with my friend who has severe reality issues. For some odd reason she thinks being a single Parent is not a big deal because strong women like actors, models and others do it every day. First off let me say that I love my status as a Single Mama! Would I love to have someone in my life to take a load off me every now and then…sure, what the Hell. BUT, I am not a model (I know, I know…at least I look like one) or an actress or some character in some movie where everything works out Super Friggin’ Awesome and some dude sweeps me off my feet and takes care of all the Ookie stuff. The reality is not as pretty as Raising Helen, Meet the Browns or whatever other movie I’m forgetting. People don’t give you stuff because you’re a single Mom, life doesn’t fall into place without some work and Men don’t just fall at your feet and adore you and don’t mind all the bullshit that comes with the emotional and long-term baggage without doing some work themselves…life is work. Love is work. Being a parent is work. And very rewarding…but it’s friggin’ work.
Okay, now let me stop for a minute and stop y’all who are thinking…Whoa, she’s angry and shiz! I’m at a much better place now than I was 4 years ago. It was scary and sad and creepy and awful. But there is a reason that we are challenged by whoever is up there in the World-o-Sphere watching over us. And so I have Faith I can do this work and make it work. It’s just my opinion that it never happens like it does for people who work the regular daily grind like it does in the movies or for those who are blessed to be in a place of good fortune (I mena money, folks)…I don’t have a Trust Fund or an expense account or royalties to live off of from some endorsement deal. I’m just Me. So, when my friend tells me that she thinks my life is what she wants and the only reasoning is ‘well I want my happy ending and you don’t need a man for that right…you’re doing it without one. I can have a baby and if my marriage doesn’t work out, I can do it like you do’. Umm, what?? Okay, yes I am doing it without a man, however the man who fathered my child is never going away. I’m stuck with him. I’m stuck fighting for what is right for my baby and fightingfor child support and reasoning with someonewho refused to be reasoned with on basic things.He’s in his child’s life because he chooses to be there and now I am stuck with that man because he has done nothing to warrant restricting his access to the Monkey. Doing it like I do is not easy. End of story. *sigh*
Why has the got me sooo riled up? I have friends who have had babies with guys to ‘save’ marriages/relationships or to get proposed to and it’s awful. A child is brought into the world as a bargaining chip…not that there aren’t people who make it work and find love, but it’s on false pretense and I don’t think that’s fair. Children are not a means to end. They are people. Real living and breathing people who deserve to be brought into this world with love and respect.
I think what is missing from her reasoning is the extras that come along with having a child with someone…like custody and child support. If there is no logical reasona parent shouldn’t be in their child’s life than seriously, how/why would anyone think they’d just walk away? (Okay, maybe there are some cold heartless people who would but I’d like to think not) My opinion is that kids deserve both parents, unless the other is unfit and would damage that child’s safe development into a functioning person. If the Bio fell back into his old ways (his bad was like B-A-D), I’d make a point to fight for our son’s safety and that has always been my priority. The Monkey loves his Dad and for what it’s worth he tries. I could never deny him access to the Monkey for no good logicalreason. So, when I hear from my friend that she’d move away and make it tough for her hubby to see their child I want to cry…I want her to know that there are options out there. Kids are not band-aid solutions to a couple’s trouble and in fact the prospect of having one with the Bio opened my eyes to what he really was in my life at that point. But that is just me…
Friends I don’t mean to sound all soap-boxy but I was on the side that got judged and it feels down right crappy. In fact, yes some thought I procreated to ‘save’ my relationship when to be honest, I think my Higher Power gave me a gift to show me my path didn’t have to include that life. He/She gave me the biggest wake up call anyone could get…the responsibility to show a human being what making smart and informed choices really does look like. And I am proud of that.
Sooo, yeah choices. People make smart choices. Think about the future and what it could hold not just what you want it to hold, but what it might look like for everyone involved. There are options friends. Good ones, bad ones. But shit think about it first.