As human beings we derive Satisfaction from various sources…food, drink, trampolines…etc. Whatever your poison is there is a way to meet the needs…right? I’ve almost been certain of this for as long as I can remember. There’s a means to end product. Well, since my most recent tweets and blogs have been about the Crush aka Mr. Awesome there has been some interesting turns of events in my thought process on this one. Why? Well, for the most part my means to the end has been a smidgen transformed over the last weeks…not only have I found my dreams filled with seriously altered subject matter but I’m finding something inside my soul has stirred and won’t stop.
As I sit here, being disappointed again and again by the people in my life, I can’t help but think about Satisfaction. No not the Rolling Stones song!! But you know, the things that Satisfy our human needs. How we each individually achieve it is unique. It’s like our fingerprints or snowflakes…no two are alike and sorta well personalized. And I don’t just mean physically, I mean with all modes and means. Whether your E-Ticket is boozing it up with pals just to gab about your day or sitting alone on a beach watching the world move, there are different ways to Satisfy life’s hungers. Being a single parent, I’ve seen much of what I used to do for Satisfaction morphed into something entirely different from the past. As a grown up I put a lot of stock into physical Satisfaction…lots of therapy it took, but I get that having someone love you doesn’t always equate to being physically Satisfied. Hey, I’m a work in progress!! I get it. So in this new incarnation of me, my dreams have been my sources of Satisfaction in replacement of the not so healthy exchange of physical commodities. And now I feel like I should say, I’m not like a born again Virgin or anything….*giggling*…but you get it.
So to the dreams…For me the nighttime excitement has come from my fantasies that either will never come to fruition or from other inspiring tidbits throughout my very visual learning life. That’s right I’m a visual and tactile learner. Show me howand I’ll get it. (wow that sounded dirty, didn’t it?) So in my dreams everything has always been less realistic and more extraordinary than every day life. A safer means to achieving the goals of the physical than banging every Dude who I know. Exotic settings that my Passport may never see, people I will never meet and adventures that really aren’t the Me I am in real life. And yet theyhave always beenSatisfying. Like Holy Hot Kats Satisfying!! For serious, this is the kind of stuff where you wake up and have no clue how you got HOME! I mean shit wasn’t I just in Egypt?!? Where’s my slave girl outfit? And where did this stupid LMU sweatshirt come from? Oh wait, it was just a dream. Whew…who would watch the Monkey if I became a slave girl in Cleopatra’s Egypt?
To recap, since becoming a single Mom, my life of Satisfaction has been limited to the few and far between. Not that I’m complaining…okay, maybe a little bit. At first it was filled with the desperation to not be alone and then the cursed don’t friggn’ touch me phase that ended with mass doses of pathetically unavailable eHarmony-ers. Bleh. So in my own psyche I turned to my own imagination. My dreams have been the core of my Satisfaction since I swore off men who can’t commit and don’t have a clue what a relationship looks like…so in my life that’s pretty much every guy I’ve met. *sigh*
And yet now, there’s been a downturn in the subject matter of said dreams…there’s been no Farm Girl picking corn, no Alien Invasion, no Busty Cops, no Pirate Adventures…just a lot of hand holding, cuddling and normie stuff of the sort. It’s bizarre del mundo. It’s not that it isn’t Satisfying in it’s own way, but I’m wondering what it means about Me.My therapist says in ‘indicates self growth’ and that ‘my desire to find love in real life is encroaching on my dreams’. I guess that’s all good things, right?
The other night I had a dream that seriously made me believe my therapist, I mean she rocks.
The setting? Someone’s house, I don’t know where as I couldn’t place in my current address book of friends.
The occasion? New Year’s Eve.
What the Hell Does it Mean? Umm…? First some background…
In my entire adultlife I’ve never spent a New Year’s Eve with someone and gotten that all anticipated kiss. Ever. I know, I know….seems unlikely given my adorableness, but alas it’s true. The Bio and I had five New Year’s Eves together (age 22-27)and because of his line of work always being in the hospitality industry he was never available to be my date. I spent most of those nights waiting for him to come home or out with friends or if I was lucky sitting at wherever he was working hoping to sneak a kiss. The same goes for Valentine’s Day, Christmas and any other memorable couple type holidays. And every one of those Holidays since I’ve spent being the Monkey’s Mama. I’ve had no one sweep me off my feet oreven had anyone remotely worth the effort in my life of the malepersuasion.
So now to the question at hand…without asking my therapist yet, my take on it is…
I want a genuine night with someone amazing. I want that kiss. I want that touch. I want to feel someones hand on the small of my back, just to show me he’s there. (FYI: That drives me bonkers…just in case you were taking notes). All I want is the simplicity of that kind of relationship where everything feels life perfection even though you know there’s work behind every moment.
I’ve never had it. (okay, now I’m gonna cry) I’ve never had someone who looks at me at any given moment and just smiles for no damn reason. Someone who I just know adores me for the wreck that I am and I’m finally looking for that with an honest human being. Now I just have to find one that can put up with all my quirks and oddities. I suppose my dreams are an interpretation of my real desires and not necessarily the fantasies that I’ve depended on for sooooooooooo long to get me by. Thank goodness for @suztoys, cause then I’d be totally S.O.L. *giggling*
I guess there are changes afoot…what will happen now that I don’t have my Dreams to Satisfy my physical hunger? Umm, I dunno but I’d watch out if you’re of the Male persuasion and within five feet of this Mama!! I kid…at least 3 feet. Heehee. But, for seriousness…I’mexploring what this means forMe and what it will ultimately mean for the upcoming adventures I’m working on creating. Thoughts? Concerns? Volunteers?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Bring it, Love Gods! I dare you. (hello? Is this thing on???)