Reflection, Regrets, Remorse

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Good morning everyone…sorry about last night but here’s another one for y’all.

I’m in an Emo reflecting phase today. With the current state of affairs I’m kind of thinking about a few things right now. Things in my life are always up and down and I’ve gotten used to that cycle and I’m okay with it most days. My heart and my head are connecting on better terms and that is good news all around. However with Reflection comes Regrets and quite often Remorse.

Reflections…

  • Did Mr. Awesome really need to know about the Crush?
  • Should I have let Mr. SD come visit me so this weekend wouldn’t be sooo awkward?
  • Have I made the best choices in my career at this point?
  • Should I make more of an effort to be there for my sister when she needs someone?
  • Is there a way to balance all the personal stuff with the Mama stuff, without feeling bonkers?
  • Can I manage to feel inspired and fulfilled without working in a job that I’m passionate about?
  • When I’m at my happiest I feel weird telling the people who make me happy that they do.
  • How is it that I miss something that isn’t there?

there’s more…but I’ll give you a break. You get the gist I hope…there’s a lot floating in my head right now.

Regrets…I’ll try and keep these in order…

  • I don’t think Mr. Awesome needed to know about the Crush. But alas it’s my own Broken mess and I will clean it up in my head and move on. There’s a whole internal battle to not like him anymore and that’s well not very productive yet…so we’ll see.
  • In a word. Yes. More words? Seeing Mr. SD is always awesome. He’s always been there for me. But he’s in Love with me and I know it. So, yes I should have let him come up and heard him out and then this weekend wouldn’t have the possibility of long talks about why we didn’t work out and how much he still wants to be with me. *sigh*
  • No, I really don’t think I have. Safe choices? Absolutely. I need a job to keep the Monkey housed, clothed and healthy. So here I am. *sigh*
  • At this point, I’m so caught up in my own health issues that I haven’t been there for her as much as I could…this will change.
  • Damned if I know. I’m working on not dating, not jumping before I leap and keeping friends close how I love and that is what I can do right now. The rest of it I’m not sure about yet.
  • Right now I am working on waiting patiently to hear about my short story entry for publishing. I applied to About.com for a job as a Guide. I’m working on painting again…I’m trying. I’m inspired all the time, I just get frustrated.
  • Since my last BIG attempt to include people in my emotions and being crushed by the Bio and how he ‘didn’t need to hear about my feelings all the time’, I’ve locked most of that stuff up. To be honest, it’s just not comfy for me to tell someone, ‘hey it’s nice being around you’.Or the all scary, ‘being around you makes me happy’. I tell the people who tell me. I embrace those kinds of conversations with the people who encourage me. But again it’s the little things that make me happiest…notes, texts, emails…little things showing me what’s what. This is something I’ve been working on for like four years.
  • I’ve gotten to the point where I need contact. I’m not indulging in it enough and I know it’s a part of something I need to do more to fix. But I miss something in particular right now and it’s really my own fault that I do. I let things like this go and without elaborating to much I regret starting something I don’t know how to finish. I let things like this fester and boil and then I lose sight of why I started it to begin with and then I get this sense of remorse over something I know hold total control over.

Where does the Remorse come in?

Sometimes I get caught up in my own excitement to see actual results. Without thinking about how things really will work out. I create beautiful versions of what I want to happen and it never really works out that way. And there comes the Remorse. If I could take back a few of my actions I would totally do it over and move forward with results that make sense for everyone involved. For example, I would still be friends with Mr. SD and not fear his feelings. It would just be what it is…two people who value each other and truly care but just don’t have the know-how to be together.

Every once in a while I do these write-ups in my actual journal/diary and it helps me get out my feelings of loss and regret. It’s weird to have written this in my blog about some very active topics and know that those people might read it. Oh well, I’m growing up kids. Watch out.

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