Crushed.

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    Did it…I told Mr. Awesome that I have a Crush on him. It wasn’t intentional at all. I was just trying to connect with him this weekend. Get in some hang out time so I could get a feel for it. But somehow my retarded text move opened up a can of worms and he figured it out. One stupid slip up and now I’m all out there…exposed and shit and feel like…well, not good.

    I havefelt not good a lot lately when it comes to guys in my life. Dating has been painful. It’s not fun and I don’t know why I expected this to be any different. I mean I’ve dated my fair share recently, but with no real heart involved in the whole process.

    I rarely do this. I know that sounds like a big fat lie but I don’t do this. Not with people I know. Not with someone I really truly have in my life, who I value. I date people I won’t miss when they are gone. I do. That’s why I on-line dated for so long. They are all just faces who I could easily delete from my memory and life without too much drama. But this is not the same…see, Mr. Awesome is Mr. BBG my co-worker who I have always bothered for advice and the male perspective. (FYI: Not the Hot German Crush Guy)He is well…awesome, for lack of a better word. So this hurts. My heart is bruised. Not broken, just a bit bruised. There’s not enough invested to have anything broken. And yet this is the first time in years I’ve done something like this…looked at someone close to me and taken a leap of faith. Faith that at some point someone will look at me and see what’s here. Beyond the boots and dresses. Beyond the bad days. Beyond the Chuck Taylor’s and just see Me. Ugh and so forth. I suppose that’s why it’s easier to date strangers who I have nothing invested in whatsoever…if it doesn’t work out, well then no Big.

    For some reason and it’s beyond me why…I still have Faith.
    I’ve cried now. More over the fact that I left myself open for the disappointment that I inevitably knew was coming. He’s my friend. He’s really someone I depend on daily for a little bit of stability when it comes to the men in my life. Does that even make sense? I feel like my crush started from that trust. There are very few people I trulytrust and he’s one of them. Odd since when we first met I had no inclination to even talk to him…and now it feels like even though we don’t really hang out he’s one of my good friends. It is just the strangest feeling to look at someone differently after a friendship has grown. It’s weird to feel something when you’re invested in not feeling anything. It sucks when those feelings aren’t reciprocated. Shit now I’m leaking again…F*&K my Life.

    What now? Mr. Awesome is my friend and I know that means he’s not going anywhere, which in a perfect world would be great…right? But this isn’t a perfect world, this is my world. My world neverfunctions like others. We know this now, right? I think for now I’m going to go back to not feeling those girlie feelings and well work on crushing this crush that has well crushed me.

    And so I have a whole day to get over this Crush and the feelings that are bubbling over because of it…easy peasy.Let’s just pray I don’t leak at work. Eck.

    p.s. Thanks to all my friends for the support and advice…xoxo.

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