I’ve been thinking…shocker, I know!
There was a moment on Saturday as I messaged with my Gay BF about some issues he’s having with his Life Partner that it dawned on me when the switch flipped for me. You know that moment in dating when someone so badly damages your sense of Pride and Faith in what is right that the tailspin leaves you lost. Lost and alone. Lost and angry. Lost and sad. Then, on and on until you find your footing and for me decide to own the crap out of my own dating life. Did I really do that? Neh, I’ve learned that I just made a series of upside down choices that made no sense and left me holding the bag over and over again. Picking men who I knew would not stay. Men who would ultimately leave me or give me reason to leave…good ones but I saw them coming.
What in fact was the switch you ask? Here it goes…
It was 1999 and I was in my early 20’s…just getting ready to transfer from my JCC to the big leagues…just getting out of a long term relationship that had ended in a proposal I turned down…just growing into being a woman. One fine October evening, the girls and I trekked down South for an evening of fright and flirting at Knott’s Scary Farm. I know, ubber hot…right? Totally. Well through the course of the event my friend spotted a Emo looking dude who she fancied and we found a way into their little group. Bum a smoke girls. Works every time. For serious! So, yeah being as I was the only single girl in the group of five or something, I took one for the team and hung out with the only other single guy…he will be known for these purposes as The Drummer.
I was not instantly attracted to The Drummer. But he was adorable. Italian with ridiculous eyes and just all around ubber sweet. We exchanged information after I explained my predicament to him with the whole school/proposal debacle and he still persisted. Ultimately he won me over. To be brutally honest even with the history I have with the Bio, the Drummer was my first LOVE. The first guy I felt compelled to tell that I loved with whole-hearted honesty. The course of events in my head paints me like the bad guy but once I’ve told the story now to Rachel I see that we both played huge parts in the whole thing. We were young. There were new paths I was exploring with my first foray into being independent and educated. I played and he got stuck waiting…then he played and I got stuck waiting. In the end I don’t know who-hurt-who worse…but it happened. And until the other night chatting with my Gay BF about stuff it hit me that the Drummer was the last time I put effort into actually letting someone in with functional potential. He met my family. My sister loved him. He took me to shows and held my hand while I cried over stupid girl shit. He went to the store to buy me tampons and Advil. It was the pain at the end of all that I feel that flipped the switch in my Love Noggin’.
After that I ran from dudes with potential and surrounded myself with guys who didn’t fit into the big picture…I could run down the list but it seems pointless now.
And now what??? Why is this weighing so heavy on my soul? Because I have a guy with HUGE potential and it scares me. It scares me that I really do like him and that I will f*%k it all up like I did with the Drummer. Not that I still bounce around serial dating but I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that there is danger lurking down this alley and at some point I will be consumed by the darkness and not find my way out of it. Dropping back down to the point I was at with the Bio where I trusted no one and looked for the worst in absolutely every person in the world….it’s taken me forever to get past most of that stuff.
What does it all mean? There are portions of my past life experience that I have forgotten. There is stuff back there that I know is going to help me learn about the person I am/was/is…I just need to figure out how to get through all that and maintain getting to know a great guy without fading into black again.
Ugh…this day is not going to end soon enough…and so I leave you with a little Spinal Tap…