Last night whilst lying on the floor of the Monkey’s Room and wondering how I got Here. No, not on the floor of his room, I know how I got there and it involved listening to him breath (he’s been sick) without invading his space. I mean the Here and Now. So that got me to thinking about the Life Changes that occur that we have no control over. The big ones that make Life transform into something else…shape shifting changes. There have been so many of those in my life that I often wonder what the next one might be…will I get the chance to fall in love with a half-way adjusted person, maybe get married, have more kids and get another promotion? All pretty mellow in comparison to the one’s of my past lives, but I’m not over-achiever and I will now aim low. Just the bare essentials for this one.
But this got me to thinking about the one life change in my history that I have never written about…ever. My miscarriage pre-Monkey conception. Not that I’m going to start now. That would mean dealing and healing and I don’t know if that’s where I’m at yet. BUT I will tell you this. That marked the end of something big for me…okay a few somethings. Albeit there were many contributing factors to the demise of the long-running relationship between me and the Bio, but this one was huge. There was something lost in the process. Trust. Compassion. We disconnected and kept going that route. There was no return after that point. I blamed me and so did he.
There was a moment I’m almost sure just after the new year in 2006 when we both saw our love officially die. A moment in time when we both knew it was over and gone. And yet it took something major like birth and death to shove us away from each other. Odd how life works.
These Life Changes alter perspective and often open the eyes to the ways of the world we once hadn’t been able to perceive because we saw things through a certain kind of special lens. Not those oh so precious Rose Colored Goggles but smeared and dark smudgy ones. It takes having something HUGE to help someone like me wipe away the smudgy grossness to see the real truth. This of course got me to thinking about all the things I see around me…
What life changes brought my dear friends to me here today???