I’m not sure I want to write about last night at all. Ugh. I feel like I should though. Just get it out of my head and move forward.
Finally, HSD and I met up for dinner. Well he came to pick me up at my place. There was an instant strangeness about his demeanor. Truly it was odd to me only because his usually chattering shyness was replaced by a silence that I couldn’t place. It wasn’t the angry silence I was used to from his post-Ex Drama or the Mopey Silence some men fall into when they haven’t gotten their way. It was odd. Uncomfortable. Creepy.
We ate dinner at one of my favorite local spots and immediately began consuming Margaritas. It didn’t seem to take the edge off the odd feeling in the air. And then it happened. He started talking about the things that went down in December and how he felt about it. This was him getting out the toxic stuff that had probably kept him from being in touch with me after I threw out my Ultimatum. Again he’s the only guy I know who does this kind of talking but I wasn’t expecting it. It was out of nowhere but I guess needed. After our phone convo earlier this week I though we’d sort of hashed out some of the heinous details of December but again, I’m wrong quite frequently.
The rest of the night we spent talking about all the things we had hoped to have done by now. The things we’d still like to do as individuals (and together maybe) and then back around to the flaws of the finale. I really don’t know what to make of it all. It felt like something he needed to do at that moment and I get it. The way I walked out on him in December probably left him stunned and confused. We had become something bigger than either of us had anticipated in such a short time that I imagine it was a shock to the system. Leaving him once again during the Holidays empty-handed and wondering where it went wrong. I know he had a hand in it too. But I’m quite the Bulldog when I’ve not gotten my way and I want to make a point.
Will I see him again? I don’t know at this point. I’d like to. I really would, I won’t lie. I missed his face. I missed holding his hand across the table. I missed his nervous laugh and the way he wipes his hands on his pants when he can’t figure out what to do with himself. I miss the little things about HSD. The challenge remains…is he ready for Me and can I be grown-up enough to work on how I deal with his Baby Mama drama?