Yesterday, was wicked cool…had lunch with my sister, then we went to watch ‘New Moon’ and I already had plans to see Hot Single Dad (HSD) afterwards. It was the best way to plan to spend a Monkey-less Day…these are my worst days. Most Sundays since we started the new visitation I have planned things like trips to Ikea or dedicated my time spent to cleaning & laundry. But in the last two weeks I’ve been introduced myself to a new way to deal with my loneliness when I am sans kiddo. I’ve decided to be a part of the world that is building around me, rather than hiding from it. Much of this has had to do with the appearance of HSD in my life. Since we started spending time together I have felt the desire to do things differently and not make excuses for myself.
My sister and I have not spent an almost whole day hanging out like that since…crap, I can’t remember when. And the last time I saw a movie in the theater was at least a year ago. Eek! As sister’s we have these great re-cap conversations that make everything feel like it used to. With all earnest and honesty I can tell her how I feel and what’s really going on in my life. Fairly obvious was the fact that she was shocked as sin to hear that HSD had already met the Monkey and that I was okay with it. 23 days later I can’t believe I’m here. After re-telling the story to my Baby Sis I felt the same confidence I felt when I told my best friend of 21 years and it’s still frightening that I am this secure about it.
Truthfully, the best part of the women in my family is that we all love a good romance (my Mom and Tia used to collect them) and can share in the joys of it from minute one but as soon as the weather becomes stormy we know how to ride the storm and batten down for a good ‘Ex’ bashing. It’s what our women folk do. And I love them for it. It’s our strength and our weakness when it comes to men and friends. Sadly we tend to end up alone for it.
These were my thoughts as I drove to HSD’s house for our Sunday Night television watching session. I tried to do the opposite of this with the Bio. I let him be there to try to fix things for me. I left myself open for emotional invasion and didn’t bother to turn it off when he felt comfy with our closeness. I let him too far in. So many had complained about the walls I build. About my lack of ability to connect and just be there, so I did it different with him. Not better at all. Different was awful for me and I was left holding the bag (oh and preggers, lest not forget the Monkey came out of this pool of ugly) and wondering what I had done to myself? Last night I wondered about how to let HSD in the door without inviting him to decorate the house and then renting the wrecking ball for him, once I’d shoved him into my emotional pit of despair.
Thank G*d for therapy. I sat at the last light before I turned into his little neighborhood and for a few seconds I had flashes of the last few months with the Bio. The images made my eyes mist up and I wanted so much to drive home and hide in my head. At the end, like so many endings, I tormented myself with reasons why I had failed. Instead of driving home, I kept going…I drove to HSD’s house the last few blocks and pulled up into the cul-de-sac. Without much thought I climbed out of my Cruiser and walked up to the house and rang the doorbell.
A sleepy adorable Man answered the door and I felt it again. The security I feel in my entire body when he’s near and I stopped my head from letting it ruin the evening. I did it myself. I didn’t panic and call my BFF in Boston and wake her up to ask her what I should do. I didn’t do the girlie sulk thing and not tell him what was going on. When he asked how I was, I was honest. There was not a g-darn thing wrong and I made sure I told him I was *great* because I was (and am).
The rest of the evening, I stayed out of my head. I let it be. We watched TV, we ate ice cream, we ‘cuddled’. It was just a comfy Sunday night with this Man in my life.
So this morning when I woke up alone in my bed, I felt something I’m not sure I’ve felt before. Calm. No panic in my heart or head. No urgent desire to do something silly to make sure he missed me. I missed him. I miss him right now. But I have work and the rest of my day to get through…life goes on and he’s still a part of it.