There is a giant gaping hole in my heart…
I’m not sure if it has anything to do with my fantastic Saturday with Mountain Man or if it’s just the realization that I can feel about someone the way I felt about the Bio. At some point, I was giddy and over the moon excited on a daily basis that he was in my life. Somewhere along the line that got very lost in the mix of resentment and frustration.
I lost that faith in love. I lost that desire to be loved. I lost sight of that even being possible.
I drowned myself in relationships I knew would go nowhere and then explained it away that there was just no one out there for me. In the path of those who loved me I shuddered and walked away without a second thought, because truly my heart didn’t know that it could still be loved by anyone who wasn’t blood.
Honestly, I feel for those who have tried to love me at all. And I empathize with their frustration over the efforts. It was awful of me to even try to love when I knew that part of me was closed off from the world at large.
Even my on-line dates of recent and those who bothered to try to communicate with me…no one really stood a chance until I met Mr. Faith. Looking at him I finally saw the possibility of love. But, sadly he was just not the fit I so desperately wanted him to be. His past and his passion for things that I found confusing and strange…like his Church…cut off any thought of actually moving past our hugs and long talks.
I’m not a girlie girl on most days…in spite of my obsession with clothes and boots. My Mom didn’t raise me like that…but, I have this girl deep in my core that so fervently wants to be taken care of and loved with no second thoughts. I’m strong. I’m passionate and I’m a little bit of a spaz on good days.
Now there’s Mountain Man. He’s different. He’s thoughtful. He’s honest. And he held my hand in the dark. Since I met him I’ve thought about him daily. I’ve wondered about his life, his family and how he got to be here at this point in his life…and now in mine. It’s so odd to feel connected to someone who you really don’t know yet, but I feel like my heart is here in the present and is ready to be open to this new possibility.
Saturday we went to the Queen Mary. It was a test for me. If we could make it through the one hour drive both ways from my house and about 5 hours of together time without my wanting to run to my car and leave him behind then, I would move forward and relax the hesitation in my soul…just a bit, anyway.
It was an amazing day.
In spite of the gloom and doom skies of the fire in the mountains in the distance it was beautiful. Together we braved the silly tour of the under belly of the ship that always makes me want to hide below deck and live there secretly. He held my hand through the dark parts and held me close in the creepy elevator…something in my heart wanted to jump out and not let that moment end. The rest of the day we walked and chatted about our siblings and parents and even talked about future plans…day trips here and there. At lunch we got lost in talking about the quirks of our lives and how we feel about them. And the best part…my son was sick and when I got a call from the Bio he asked me in a very concerned tone if I needed to get home. WHOA.
I’m not saying I’m falling in love. I’ve thought that before because I was deluding myself into believing something that wasn’t true just to save myself from being alone and sad. But, right now my heart is full.