Everyone Says, I Love YOU…but, WHY?

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There was a time when the words out of the Bio’s mouth would have made me swoon and snicker to myself…but, this time…not so much.

We’ve been going to therapy. We’ve been much nicer to each other over the last couple of months. There were obvious changes in his disposition and reaction to me during morning pick-up time, but I merely attributed it to the change in his relationship status…he was either single again or had met someone new.

I hate jumping to conclusions. But, I do. It’s how I deal.

After our most recent therapy session and talking about preschool tuition and things of that nature, I noticed that the Bio was crying. The creepy misty eyes that he gets when he’s pushing back actually feelings and trying to hide from me and how we were. He asked me to stop for a minute, so I did. Gluten for punishment that I am, I waited and when he caught himself again he asked me for a hug. A hug? Really?

Even a year ago, I would have hiccuped in my heart and felt some kind of sadness and mourning for the love lost between us. But, that day I didn’t. I felt this kind of strange confidence in the moment. Positive that where I was at was perfect…we don’t belong together. I knew this and felt okay with it. Only to have it confirmed when he uttered the words I used to hold my breath to hear…’i still love you’. Those words used to cut me like a knife and bring me back to life all at the same time. But, not then. Not in that moment. Not anymore.

It shocked me to my core. Everything I had built up around me was gone in that moment, I knew the wall was not there to defend me but my honest careful planning had proven to be worth all the co-pays and the early Saturday morning therapy sessions…I was free of that pain. I was standing in an embrace with someone who I loved for being the father of my child and that was the extent of the emotion.

Deep breath.

I stepped back in silence and said nothing to him in response. I walked to my car, a few feet away and got in and drove away.

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