Once upon a time I was baptized and wore a pretty white dress and thought about how much I loved G*d. I was about four years old. I was young and naive.
Since then, I have experienced a plethora of religious faiths and heard their jargon about why G*d chose them as the true faith of his people. I always wondered how do you ‘know’ he ‘chose’ your ‘religion’? Did he send you a letter of confirmation? An e-mail? Hmm, I pondered.
My mom was never one of those, you have to go to church so that G*d will hear your prayers kind of person and I think that’s why I always felt good about how I felt about G*d. Only when I was older did I ask the all empowering questions about my faith. I studied Middle Eastern Religious History in college and even went to multiple services at different churches, temples and palaces (don’t ask). I figured out only after I needed to work on my relationship with me that I could have a Higher Power who believe in me not matter what I did or said or where I prayed.
Just like Mom said. This G*d was just like she said he would be…forgiving and loving and there no matter what. It really doesn’t matter how I found him (again) but, that I did at all. So, I was fine with my conversations with him/her and loved that I could be at work typing some email to some stranger and stop and ask my G*d for patience in my task. It meant the world to me that no matter how long it had been since I prayed I could talk to him/her and that G*d wouldn’t be made at me or vengeful.
This is how I choose to express myself…spiritually, not religiously. I don’t claim to be a practicing Catholic Girl or any other Christian faith…I’m spiritual. Good enough for me. So, when that was challenged by a dating partner I found myself in a tailspin. Not really worrying about my faith or how I go about it, but why people still feel the need to show ‘me the way’ back to G*d.
Did I get lost? Did I lose sight of his word? NOPE!!!
Being a patient, tolerant and loving human being I thanked him for invites to church and to BBQ’s with friends from Church…and even found it endearing that he volunteers for his Church. Super, but as I began to think about his ways and how he seemed to seeking refuge in a Church rather than dealing with the loss in his life, I felt the judgement sweep over me and I felt ashamed. Then, I prayed about it.
When I was younger and with the Bio I found a place that showed me how to pray to my G*d…not that he/she can’t be YOUR G*d too, but he is my ‘Go to’ guy/girl for daily whining, cursing and all around just praise for giving me what I’ve got.
Then, I looked at the religious fervor of Mr. Faith and I sighed to myself…this man is great, this man is fantastic conversation and I think he’s adorable. But, this man had a disconnect with his own pain and I could see it in his conversations with me about his Church. There was pain in his heart from his personal loss and his current recovery from it and I couldn’t be a part of it to the extent he wanted.
I prayed to my G*d and thanked him for keeping my head level in the end. No kissing, no hooking up and just a lot of wondering what the hell was going on….and now I move forward.