Mama is no stranger to the BIG D and well I’ve never been a shy to share it. It’s that sharing that has helped me gain some insight into the changes I need to make. It’s helped me find the doors I need to close and the windows I need to open and jump through. One of those windows, has been getting my booty to the gym on a regular basis and making moves to be healthier all around. Mama who wrote about how horrible it was to think about paying for the gym, is now a full fledged gym persona.
Mr. Awesome has called me a Gym Rat. I am there four to five days a week. I have weight to lose. I have baggage to toss. I have a lot of work left to do on me as a whole…
This morning on the way home from the gym I broke down in tears. Huge sobs. I sat in the car in front of our house for a few minutes and couldn’t really put a finger on anything at home that was bothering me. I love my life. Sure there’s the usual ebbs and flows but it’s all natural progression and crap. But I’ve been on edge. I’ve been stressed about the Bio situation. I’ve been recovering from financial stress. I’ve been allowing myself to get too wrapped up in me. In the brain in my head that wants everything to be a certain way. Ducks in a row. Problem is my ducks aren’t perfect and there’s the rub in this Libra Brain.
When the Bio filed court paperwork he called me, “emotionally unstable” and a few other choice phrases to describe my need for expression. I bubble at the brim with thoughts I don’t get to express every day. My heart pounds a mile minute when my heart is breaking and it was breaking for most of the time I allowed myself to be used in the way that I was. Yes, I had part in it. Every time I start to feel like the wheels are spinning just a bit to fast, I think about reading that phrase in the paperwork. I remember getting my first every therapist and asking her if she thought I was truly not a stable person…she laughed a little at the thought.
There is nothing wrong with feeling. Not a G*d damn thing.
And yet, I find myself making excuses for myself and discounting my own feelings. I pick fights with the Boyfriend because all I want to do inside is cry at how much I feel about the most minuscule things. Professionals have so many fancy words for it. Mine says, I’m feeling blue. Blue? So now I am a color. Great, I’d like to see the Bio fit that into his next court complaint.
I live with so much feeling every single day that I don’t think anyone understands it. Honestly, I think the Boyfriend has gotten glimpses of it. I share it in weird ways. Discovery is my most favorite way to deal with the ‘Blues’…it’s why every month I used to go somewhere. Alone. With the Monkey. Anywhere. For a night. For a day. For a few hours. Just to get out and see the world.
There is nothing wrong with feeling. There is something entirely wrong with holding it in and being afraid to speak up. For years, I lived with that training. Rock the boat equals fighting. Express a need for comfort and spend the night alone. And while the Boyfriend doesn’t force those parameters upon me, I still live conditioned like Pavlov’s puppies. Transfixed by my own emotions and muted by the fear of them. Fear does seem to be the root of all evil doesn’t it? Fear spreads and grows like a cancer in our hearts and souls. It keeps up from being who we really want to be.
I need to be more active in my healing. I’ve let myself go in so many ways. I don’t think that at a certain point everything is perfect and we are suddenly healed of all that ails our souls…no, that would mean that we are something more than just human…every day we grow. Every day I grow. And sometimes I am blue.