For those of you close to my heart and in my life, y’all know it’s been a tough few weeks for me. Mostly cause for the last few months for about two weeks every month I’ve been in pain. Pain that has altered and changed my personality in ways that most everyone has noted. No one at work knows what I’ve been going through. And the Boyfriend has been there with me, even when I’m the most awful-hormonal bitch to be around.

I’ve gone through more ibuprofen in the last two weeks then I did after I gave birth. In fact, after the c-section I took no meds. But this is a battle I am desperate to fight and conquer and today may well be the start…

After my c-section I was hit with a tough road to healing. My outside scars look like healing was easy peasy, but internally I’ve been fighting a battle with scar tissue, swelling and PMDD. Every time I feel like things are mellowing out it just gets worse when it hits again. My OBGYN has been amazing. She has been with me through so many things and encouraged me during my time after the Bio and I split and I moved in with my folks. After  yesterday and my frightful trip to the bathroom she asked me to come in asap. So I did. Today. An exam and ultrasound later and she explained it all to me the options. Options that we talked about a year ago. Options that a month ago she told me we could skip unless it got worse. Well it got worse.

Worse is not good. At some point when my cycle wasn’t coming I prayed it would be anything but what my doctor thought it was going to end up being.

The tough part is that I know I have let this issue cloud how I am in my daily life. Work life. Personal Life. Love Life. I’ve hidden how much in pain I am from the Boyfriend and even pretended I was okay to make sure everyone was happy and having a good time. It’s honestly not selfless, it’s selfish because if I spoke up everyone would have been happy to put things on pause or excuse me from coming to something. I’m just too good at convincing myself that excuses are for losers. Losers let people down. And letting people down is one thing I cannot do. Alas, Mama needs to remember to admit when she’s wrong and wrong I have been.

It’s been hard for me. But it’s been harder on those close to me.

I’m healing right now. And that’s what I can do right now. The people in my life have been so patient and loving and caring and I have been a pretty difficult to handle. So healing, let’s get that shit going.