This morning was the first time a few months that the Bio had to pick the Monkey up at our house. Since we added time to his weekend outside of the last court order, he’s been picking up the kiddo at school on Friday’s and dropping him off at school on Mondays, every other weekend. This morning felt like starting all over again. My heart sunk and my head moved quickly from scattered thought to scattered thought.
Since this last Wednesday when the Bio was a no show to therapy, it became clear to me that he has fallen back into his old ways. Back when we first started dating he was working at a high end restaurant frequented by several famous people. He was drawn in by the money. He was captivated by the giant tips from fancy people with more money than us. He was driven to be the best at his job and he lost touch with everything else around him. Bailing on dates and leaving me sitting on my couch with no phone call or text message. The addict behavior switched over from consuming gross amounts unsafe substances to consuming the praise and money that came from this line of work. And it began to eat him alive. And I was terrified this behavior would sprout back up and challenge his relationship with our son.
Every time I put faith in our co-parenting relationship, the Bio does something to jab at it. This time he has caused me to take that faith and put it up on the shelf. He doesn’t deserve any of it. After we had two very heated therapy sessions regarding visitation time with Monkey I put my foot down. If we couldn’t come to an agreement we’d revert back to the last court order we signed. And his lack of ability to keep a simple appointment with our therapist showed me what has happened is exactly as I feared.
Now the Bio only gets two overnights every other weekend and two days during the week with the Monkey before kinder class. This is the best we can do right now. Since he refuses to work together to figure out how we can make the visitation work for Monkey and not have to have sitters take care of the Monkey while he’s supposed to be with the Bio that would be stellar. But no such damn luck. And so I take up the responsibility of making choices that he can’t make. As I always have. Being the adult in the relationship. Choosing to lose two extra free nights to plan stuff with friends or to just have down time to myself because in the end it isn’t about the ‘time’ it is about the quality of it. And that is something the Bio doesn’t get.
I know there are people out there who will think I’ve been unfair but honestly, there is no but me and my Mom who pick up the pieces of the rowdy and frustrated child who comes back angry that his Dad leaves for work during their time together. Monkey doesn’t deserve that. And that’s why I am the custodial parent still because I chose to have a child and make a life with a man who wasn’t emotionally ready to be a parent. My bad.
Tonight I feel better. I miss my baby boy.