Hey Mama.

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I’m at my wit’s end. I’m screaming mad and I’m not going to take it anymore. No seriously, I screamed in my car the whole way home from therapy. I might have looked like a lunatic as I drove and blared my music and challenged myself to scream louder than the bump of the beat in my speakers. Hearing the vibrations reverberate through the Cruiser and through my entire body.

Why so mad Mama? The Bio has pushed my last button and the double keys have been turned on this nuclear Mama and explosion is eminent.

Four weeks ago the Bio got a job. Normally, I would be cheering from the rooftops about this one. But, sadly I also found out he had been working for his parents, getting paid under the table and collecting unemployment all while not being able to provide medical insurance for the Monkey.  Then I found out the job was waiting tables which is nothing new since this is what he did before when we were together. Here’s the thing…the Bio is working during his time with the Monkey and leaving him with babysitters. This is of course after I had asked him to let me know his schedule and we could adjust visitation so they wouldn’t miss out on time together. Well four weeks later and not only has he chosen not to work together but he has also left our son with his ex-girlfriend who didn’t have a carseat in her car.

I have a laundry list of beefs that have been stacking up… Child support is never on time. Medical bills have gone unpaid and then turned over to me. My bank account is constantly threatening to overdraft itself. And I am always juggling to make things work.

Now that Monkey is old enough to express himself I am at the end of my rope. I started blaming myself for letting this happen. I started getting depressed about how this would play out. But thanks to my support system I’m done with letting him walk all over me and get away with taking our son for granted. See the thing is that whenever I offer help he pushes it in my face. Whenever I try to work things out it’s either his way or no way at all. And since the Boyfriend came into ours lives I am inspired to push back and not let up. My family has been saying this for years and I have always felt like I was just doing hwat needed to be done to keep the peace, but this is not peace when my Monkey comes home and is sad and frustrated and has stories to tell about things that happened while he sat with babysitters all weekend.

During our most recent therapy session I stood my ground. I made myself heard and I wouldn’t let up. Normally I would have been terrified he’d take me to court or react with serving me at work. But this time around I don’t see meeting with our attorneys being the worst thing. Therapy has served us well for the most part but now that Monkey can come home and tell me that he is unhappy with how he never sees his Dad or that he feels lied too, this is where Mama say ‘no fucking way’. I cried as soon as my wheels began to roll out of the parking lot. I screamed at the top of my lungs words that haven’t come out of my mouth since the day after Monkey was born and I locked myself in the hospital bathroom. I haven’t let the anger out like that in so long that it felt amazing to do it. To stand up for my little man and know that this was what I needed to do.

As I drove home I felt something in my heart that I haven’t felt since July 15, 2006, the day after Monkey was born. I felt power to make change and make it happen for both of us. To succeed in making happen what we deserve as a family unit.

And this song helped me celebrate that feeling…

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