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Kicking Down the Big D


My birthday is coming up. Ugh. No, I’m not one of those people who hates celebrating birthdays. I used to love my birthday. But for the last ten years, during the time around my birthday, historically something has gone terribly wrong.

When I was a kiddo my birthday was full of awesome. I loved it. Honestly, I was pretty darn sure that my Halloween was only happening because of my birth. It just all made sense. Every one got dressed up and got loot and goodies because I was born near the end of October. Libra love at it’s finest. As I got older birthdays grew less spectacular to celebrate and even with my stellar annual parties thanks to my family, things just started to go amuck.

Flash forward to my twenty-second birthday, and the second time in my life when I almost lost my Paw. Living away from home I got the call halfway through my day of lounging in between university courses that my Paw had been rushed to the hospital after a visit to urgent care. Even though I tease him that he was just trying to undermine my birthday and ruin the day, that was truly a turning point for me.

Every year since it has been blatantly obvious that nothing ever works out on my birthday. From fires on two different occasions to friends passing onto the other side to this weekend not being able to spend my birthday with the Monkey.

I’m already feeling the tension of things falling apart around me. Arguing with people I care about. Trying to mediate things with the Bio since I’m pretty sure he’s not going to be able to pay child support even on two jobs. My body is playing tricks on me. I haven’t gotten to run in weeks. The Big D is kicking in and I’m trying to stop it before it gets legs. Now we just need another natural disaster and I’m golden.

I said it the other night out loud. I’m not sure if the Boyfriend heard me. But she’s coming and I can feeling her creeping into my daily routine. I can feel her looking back at me in the mirror when I’m getting ready for work. I can feel her in every sniffle I take just before I start to fight back tears.

Most people with kids long for a night without them to celebrate special occasions. This year I’m finding it tough to navigate why that would even be something to look forward to having happen.  This birthday will come and go and I’m sure it won’t be bad but this week will test me. It already is.


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