the Doom

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Have you ever met a man who made you feel at ease? Have you ever looked at someone and not been terrified of them? Have you ever sat next to someone and just the feeling of their hand on your back made the whole room go quiet? Have you ever held someone’s hand and not known when they started holding it? Have you ever smelled someone on your pillow and stayed in bed longer? Have you ever put aside your genuine fear because someone seemed like a person you could be with honestly?

Oh, well I have and it’s awesome. Well, it’s awesome until it’s over before it begins. A bit ago I blogged about having a first date and everything about that and the following time we spent together was absolutely awesome. But, sadly it’s been a month and it’s done. I know, a fucking month? Big deal, Mama. It was only a month. But, for me this month was something completely unusual well for me anyway. And last night, I hurt like hell. Like fuck somebody up hurt. Like kick a puppy hurt. I know, I know drastic measures Mama. But seriously there is nothing worse than having someone you have put the smallest amount of hope in, taking that hoping and handing it back to you.

I let a man into my life. I opened the door, literally, and let him into my real me. In the last month, I did something I don’t normally do. After that first date, I pulled back the surface skin I usually keep on for safety reasons and I let it ride. Mama broke all her usual rules because there was something in the eyes of that man who sat across from me that made me feel safe. Safe in a way that I’ve not felt in forever, and I let down my guard. That’s right I let the Doom in and it conquered. My walls crashed down that first night we spent together and I did it with hope. I did it with fide. Openly, I talked about my past, my present and felt like there was some future and that hiding me was the worst thing I could do. I was honestly all of me. And that is what hurt.

Not since, Nomad and I dated for a hot minute have I felt like someone really deserved to know me. That there didn’t need to be that trial period where I hold back and reserve the right to the knowledge of me until there is time done in the trenches. The night of our first date, I skipped past my whole period of peaking over the walls to make sure it’s safe before I climb over and let the real me out of viewing. Was that a mistake? Did I jump the gun?

I cried like a baby last night. I cried to Mr. C about the whole thing. I got some decent advice from some unexpected peeps in my life. By 11.32pm I was over feeling broken. By the time I woke up this morning I didn’t feel anything. Was it all a mistake? Was it all a waste? Yeah, maybe it was. I don’t know why I jumped the shark and let him in. I don’t know why I busted down the wall early. And frankly, I will never know. This one time that I didn’t play be my own rules, I floated the highest I have in the shortest amount of time and fell on my face just as quickly.

Right now, I’m over it. He’s not a bad person. I don’t hate him. In fact I would be surprised if he didn’t end up a part of my manly circle of friends. I’m going to have to figure out how this happened and what it means about future dating forays. Until then, I guess what it really means is that Mama is more human than previously thought and maybe just there is a man out there who will eventually deserve to know me for real and be a true keeper.

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