Puzzle Piece #254


Saturday, I packed myself up to jaunt down to the Hollywood (and the Westside) to spend time with the Rachel. I don’t ramble that way very often. I’m usually looking for a purpose when I head that way, since it’s a pretty decent trip down the road. But the trip was important on a level that didn’t really hit me until I was driving back home in a state of exhaust and of true contentment.

While the evening didn’t go as planned for uncontrollable reasons, I managed to do a few things on a level that I wouldn’t normally do anymore. I’m the Queen of making sure everyone is happy and putting myself aside in order to keep the calm and peace. It is an awesome trait for co-parenting and the such, but when it comes to my personal life with friends and men-folk it can lead to this Mama feeling distress.

What the heck am I talking about…?

Ultimately, I made choices this weekend to do things my way. Selfish? Damn straight but I realized something this weekend that I found to be curious. While sharing a pitcher of beer with the Rachel it donned on me that I don’t get angry enough over certain things. I’m so used to being the peace keeper and helping people working through there damage that I often move away from my own feelings to just let it be. *sigh*

Two days in a row I got legitimately angry. I got angry. I said F*ck it. I threw my arms up in the air and did my own thing and it felt good. Oddly enough I don’t do this very often. Sure I can do shit on a whim and live my life on my terms. But anger is something I don’t usually do well. Lock it up and keep it just for me. But that’s gonna start changing and kind of already has thanks to the Rachel and our ability to share our shit in the open. I’m going to give myself permission to be mad and own it as needed.

So, there was that…and then there was the all good things must come to end conversation I had with Nomad. If you’ve been following the non-love story between us then you know he has become a huge part of my life. We’ve known each other for 12 years now and I had a crush on him back in college. After much careful consideration we realized our lifestyles didn’t mesh for coupledom but that we had tons of other shit in common…and thus grew a very fruitful ‘friendship’. While the friendship is not ending the fruit will now be staying on the tree, as he has a girlfriend who not only lives in his city (NYC) but also sounds like a friggin’ rockstar and I would probably date her if she had a penis.

Part of me is a little Sad Panda over it, but I’m not losing a friend, I’m just losing access to part of him. And because I am me, I will find other ways to fill those needs. Shit son, that’s what Suztoys is for. Oddly enough and yet again, my life seems to be entering into another transitional phase and that is okay with me. In fact, I’m all kinds of excited. There are several things to look forward to and several things that I’m going to be working on for me.

It seems like I’m always working, doesn’t it?

This weekend was eventful. I got a couple pretty dresses, a new pair of wicked hot shoes and a bunch of new frilly stuff just for the Mama (and whoever takes of my clothes next *giggle*). And on top of the shopping wins, I got something else I didn’t anticipate. Mama got a new piece to the sense of empowerment puzzle that I’ve been working on for the last five years. And it feels amazing to own my shit more and more everyday. After all, if I’m not going to do it than who is?


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