It is Broken.

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There has been something I’ve kept from your dear readers. Things with my co-parenting situation are ever-changing. As you know, the Bio and I are on a particularly good wave of getting along and actually talking. In fact, he’s been in my house now twice. *pause for shock* We’ve been going to therapy and talking on the phone and really finding ourselves not hating each other too much. Things have been changing and while I feel good about it, I am also aware that he is capable of great feats of manipulation based on our history together.

Last week, I even made dinner for all of us and I sat there thinking about how things might have been if we made it past three months preggers. And I couldn’t see it. Looking at the Monkey and then observing how the Bio talks to him and treats him, I just could not picture us as a ‘normal’ family. For the first time in years though, we are working together at least to some degree. And the calm is nice to have in place. Where am I going with all this? A friend of mine asked me last night if I could see us working out eventually, if the Bio got his act together emotionally and fiscally? She’s not the first one to ask. She’s not the first one to think it might happen. And she’s not the only one who worries that it might happen.

I’ve had this conversation with my Mom a few times. The fact of the matter is that the Bio is not the boy I fell in love with twenty-one years ago. We aren’t eleven years old sitting in English class passing notes and giggling about lunch plans to hold hands and make out. He grew into a man who looks very much the same but in his core is not the man I had hoped he would become and that is nothing I can change. In fact he’s hopefully in the middle of a flux that will help him get a grip on what he really wants to do with his life. For so many, losing their jobs is a curse. But, I see it as a blessing in disguise. This chance for him to start over is exactly what he needs to push him the direction of his path, whatever that might be and I am so more than ready to support him in this next phase. But that is all I will ever be, just a part of that support system. And that feels like the most I can or will ever be able to give to him. And honestly, I’m okay with that.

For twenty-one years this man has been in-and-out of my life and we at some point thought starting a family was a good idea. And here we are with an unconventional family because we can never do anything the easy way, that’s just how we roll and have since we were kids. But the Bio is just that the Bio and my heart and head can’t see him as anything more than that. We broke it and there is no fixing it beyond being parents to the Monkey.

It’s funny because there was a time when I prayed to the Love Gods to let him be the man I dreamed he would become when we were kids. But to share the wisdom of a lovely Reese Witherspoon flick, Sweet Home Alabamano one finds the love of their life when they’re eleven. No Reese they sure don’t.

Wow, that was borderline greeting card downer…I will do better next time. I promise.

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