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Dying or not…


Five years ago today, it all went topsy turvy. The Bio ended our last and final shot at being a couple after battling each other to stay together since we were kids. Not that we went at each other for the whole 16 years of knowing each other, there were breaks for travel and school at least for me. I escaped from what we had created as kids, if not for five years at least, I ran away…my hands pumping at both sides, fleeing for the life I had desperately hoped to create for myself with him but then without him. And then somehow, after traveling, and living my life as a Freebird I fell for him yet again.

Five years ago today, I found myself in a hospital room asking myself the impossible questions any woman at the end of tragic relationships can as herself. How did I get here? Pregnant. Bleeding. Single. Terrified to admit that it was finally really over. He was never going to be the man I hoped he would be and he would never be willing to change enough to be the man I needed him to be for our me and our unborn child.

It was over.

22 years later and we have a child together. The Monkey. My saving grace. My ticket out of what could have been a lifelong relationship stuck in memories of childhood and pretending we could conquer the world. I don’t know if I would have stayed longer. I don’t know if I had much fight left in me for him. I know that seeing the life of my child hang in the balance on that day was the wake up call I needed to let it be this time. I stopped fighting for him and started fighting for me.

The Bio himself is a force. He is charming, quirky and pretty to look at for those who don’t know what lies just beneath the surface. When he floated back into my life I knew it was something that would either make or break me, and it broke all the hard work I had done to be a woman with bigger balls then most men in my vicinity. I fell hard. I see the surface but when I look at it now, I see all the cracks and flaws that go along with every moment of weakness he has ever had in his life. I see it now. I feel it now. I can walk away from it now.

It is over.

Today the balls and the bitch are back and I daresay that there is a good reason I am single. Any man who comes into my life today will need to be his own person and not depend on me for his existence.

Five years ago today I experienced an awakening…and for that I am thankful.


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