Five days later and I’m pretty sure I’ve moved quickly through the phases of healing…grieving? With this whole situation over and done with, I am ubber proud of myself. Why you might wonder? Umm, it ended in massive heart break and sadness…I know, I know. I should be pounding my head with questions and filled with regrets but, honestly I did everything I could to be who I wanted to be and try to give it another shot with Mr. S. Whether he could or not is his own problem. Not mine.
It made sense that maybe wallowing in my own self-pity jar might make this process go by faster. And then I thought of the calories. With all the hard work I’ve put into get my ass in shape that just seemed like a waste of time. But there was of course leftover wine from my solo weekend, so yeah…there was that. And then I thought of taking the whole week off and working from home and not letting the sun see my face so I could of course become pale and sallow and look the part of the broken-hearted vamp girl. But then I realized that I had several deadlines and calls and well a Monkey who needed to get to school, so yeah…that didn’t fit into the plan.
What on earth did I do? How did I rehab myself off a break up in just five days? I wrote in an actual book with pages. I wrote down every feeling. Every time my eyes got teary I reached for the book. I used a pen. I made myself feel it. I made myself cry it out. I made myself see my part and let it go. The journal is half full of random thoughts, pictures, scribbles and poetic pieces about how it felt to have Mr. S exit my life with no actual understanding of what he was feeling. But, again not my part. Just a piece of the mystery that is this heart ache for me and for so many in the past. I did this for me. I wanted to see where it would have gone if we had the chance and now I know. It will go nowhere. Done.
At this point, I can move forward with dating again and know that in my heart I put out the effort necessary. I did the footwork. I made the moves to be there. I worked on showing him I could support his career choices. I let him in my heart and showed him my soul. While that does hurt like a mo-fo and I wish that it had ended soooo differently, there is not a damn thing I can do to make him be the man he wants to be now. It’s something I promised myself I wouldn’t do with a man ever again. Just not gonna do it.
The details don’t really seem to matter at this point. I’m still left with tons of unanswered questions and feeling like I lost someone detrimentally important to my life and my growth, but what can one do at this point? Heal and grow…everyday, and just keep doing what I’m doing. That’s all I can do.
I know, I’ve been off my blogging game and I apologize for the lack of well writing. I will get my groove back Stella style and kick this shit up a notch or 11 (anybody, get it this time?? 11!!! Come on People!!)
I promise we will return to our regularly scheduled snark and debauchery…Boo-yah!
p.s. Tweetup next Wednesday…email or DM for deets.
p.s.s Thank you to all my peeps who lived it with me. My sister and Mom for listening to my lameness whenever. My friends like Mr. Shoulder-to-Cry-on (aka @switzerblog) and Mr. Nomad for babysitting me on Sunday night when all he meant to do was bring me Lemon Bars. I heart you all.