There has been a huge lull in my blogging and I finally admitted it today to the Rachel. I’m scared to blog about anything right now. Terrified in fact to admit how I am feeling. About what? Mr. S as a matter of fact. I am terrified that inthree days we will see each other and things won’t be the way either of us has daydreamed for the last twenty-eight days. Our lives have drifted in different directions since the Freak Out, two years ago and now we’re desperate to see one another and to see if we can work out the tiny details that led to our initial demise as a couple.
I blame the Rachel. No, seriously I do. When I started communicating with Mr. S it was mostly out of curiosity and to get my dress back and my favorite copy of the Bell Jar. But she saw past my angst and anger and encouraged me to get to the truth of what really happened.
My heart hadn’t forgotten him. Oddly enough he was the one guy I always talked about with new guys…you know the one that got away and if only things had been different…that guy. Together we have the most amazing stories of days and nights together. Shoving as much into a few days, hours and minutes to last however long he would be away until the next time. It was always bliss. As acouple we manage to even each other out and calm each others insecurities…in everything there was somethingamazing about sitting on the phone with him during a moment of emo panic or five about feeling inadequate at work and not knowing what to do with myself and the Bio situation. For however long we were together, it seemed like there was this symbiosis between us.
The more I think about the demise of our relationship, the more I realize how I set me up for failure in it. I let myself be drawn into a mode of thinking that would not benefit either of us. I shut him down and out, because it made it easier to run away from him. The more I think about it the more I despise how I used to think about Me. (p.s. thank goodness for therapy)
And now, I’ve got three days to mentally prepare for the return of Mr. S from the East Coast. I’m nervous and scared and tired from over thinking things.
Things won’t be the same as they were two years ago. I know this one. I’m not going to pretend we can pick up where we left off when I ran screaming for the hills. But maybe we can be thesetwo new people and start here where we are today…two people that respect and adore each other and have for years.
Pray for me folks to whoever you pray to and wish me and Mr. S luck.
There. I feel betterish.