**It has taken me 3 days to get this together
There are times when I’m not the looniest person in the room. But there are times when I am the only person in the room who gets what is happening. I take pride in my ability to see my surroundings for what they are and just be there. And yet there are those times when I’m the only person in the room who just doesn’t get it…and never will.
Sunday was my Monkey-less day and night. I made plans. Kept myself busy. Got my hair done. Went to dinner with my Best Friend. Tried my hardest not to glance at my phone every moment I thought I heard it ding. While sharing horror dating stories and drinking some pretty darn good wine it happened…Contact. HSD made contact. My heart had hoped it would happened but my head was starting to move logic into play and this was a shock.
Three days sans contact and here it was…starring at me from the screen of my shiny new Moto phone. At first I panicked and then I went pee. My BF (Steph) helped me figure out how to respond…what to do with so little information. My head spun. My hands got sweaty. My heart hurt.
Twenty minutes later I agreed to meet him. He asked to see me. I was dying to know why. To rip into him and not let up until he felt as awful as I had for three days.
I went home and changed. I let my head be sensible and smart. I would not fall for the rantings of a jerk-off as I had with the Bio who made up excuses and weaseled his way back into my heart time-and-time again. I would be honest for me.
When I got to his house I felt something different. Panic. Pressure. Fear. Not the usual excitement and comfort I usually felt when I arrived for date nights. I wanted to cry instantly. He answered the door and what I saw in front of my eyes was like a flick between the eyes. He was not the same Man I had seen a week earlier. He was unshaven. He looked awful. He looked tormented. My head screamed at me to leave and not let him in…he would only hurt me. But I thought about what my dear friend @FeministBreeder wrote in response to my last post:
“Just keep your heart open, and go easy on yourself.”
I needed to go easy on me and by the looks of him, he needed me to listen and keep my heart open. I sat down. I told him everything but not in the original planned rip-his-heart-out-so-he-can-see-it-beating-in-my-hand but in the YOU need to hear me and understand me tone that I’ve gotten really good as using on the Monkey. He told me the truth…he gets down (depressed) and shuts down and after my text that day he felt it was better to let it pass before he saw me or talked to me. He was sorry and he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He hugged me and I knew he meant it. There wasn’t that fire alarm signal going off in the back of my head like the first time the Bio pulled that on me. This Man was not pulling shit on me. He was being honest with me about something he finds has been a problem in the past.
There are times like this last week that I think that I am the only one with issues. The only one who gets sad or wants to stay at home all day in my ‘jamas. I didn’t ever for a minute think that this Man would be like that. Or that he would need me to be the one to tell him it’s okay. I got used to being the one who was broken and looking for a Man who would be the strong survivor to make everything alright. But I am not broken. I am human. I have feelings and pitfalls and so does He. This is a lesson I never thought I’d learn and not like this.
Why do we assume that Men don’t feel like this? I mean honestly, after seeing him for all these weeks and then seeing him on Sunday I felt something closer to respect for him than I’ve ever felt for any other Man. He put his sadness out in front of me. With the Bio I had all the alarms and bells and whistles to not believe him. He made things up. He was not truthful to protect me. He looked out for only him. This was not the same.
I stayed all night with HSD and he took care of me and I took care of him. We took care of each other and it felt normal. In the morning I felt him rollover to snooze the alarm clock and kiss me on the forehead. It was bliss in a moment that I hope we can repeat without all the tears and the flu in my noggin. On my drive home I went to the doctor…and then spent two days in bed thinking about how it felt to share one with him.
We’ll see. All I can do is be here and now…and trust my heart.