Broken is ‘da Mama.

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I stopped posting my Blog on my Facebook page via Networked Blog, even though it’s nothing to be frightened of other people seeing…I just didn’t want the new person in my life to see all the mushy stuff I write about him and being with him. But now I don’t care. If he sees it now, I’ve got nothing to lose. He’s MIA and over what I’m not sure. But I have a pretty good idea why. I’m a giant pain in the ass. So why am I a pain in the ass? No he didn’t tell me so and in fact I haven’t heard from him so I really am not sure.

Somewhere just over a month ago Hot Single Dad came into my life…yes he’s Hot and yes he’s a Single Dad and yes I am just not that creative sometimes. But over the first few moments with him I knew he was going to change my life…I just didn’t know it would be like this.

I was anxious. Too anxious to speak with him and when he didn’t meet my needs I wigged out and made it an issue. I told him via text I didn’t hear from him now when I needed to talk. Yes I threw him under the bus all due to my own anxiety over telling him a story. A story that I haven’t yet told anyone. I wanted him to know what I had done and only him and still do. I’ve not even told my BFF’s or my little sister because when all this started 10 years ago I didn’t let anyone in on it.

I needed him to know I picked him. I chose him over the only other man in my life that has made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and pay attention. Yes there was the FB drama but that wasn’t at the forefront of my desire to communicate. Now that I’ve dropped the bomb here’s the story…

I was 21. And along came the one I called in a old blog The Cowboy…he was from Texas. He was hot. He was sweet. He loved my ass. And he had the best hands I’ve ever encountered. We spent six months getting to know each other, when one day he asked me to move in. I was still working on school and young and impressionable but I really felt I was falling for this guy. The cowboy was 6 years my elder, an apprentice editor and did side work for that DVD thingy where the girls flash there boobs. The Cowboy rocked my world. At this point he was the closest thing to love I had encountered and I was terrified to lose him…we talked about it.
In the process we uncovered some huge differences…he wasn’t a fan of matrimony and didn’t really think he wanted kids and I had NO CLUE. We took a break. During this break his Grandma passed away and our break became two weeks apart. When he returned he called me with such sadness and urgency I hoped in my truck at 9pm on a work night and drove in a NyQuil induced haze.

That night I died inside. My Cowboy wasn’t sure I was the one. He had found an old flame while drinking away his sadness post-Grandma loss and they started talking about working it out. She would be sleeping on my side of the bed. She would be sitting in my chair while watching TV. That night he told me he loved me and would forever. He promised me we would find each other again…I didn’t believe him.

Almost 2 years ago and 6 years after our last meeting, he found me. Through mutual friends and a stupid social media site that shall remain nameless he found me. After much pulling at the heart strings of a mutual friend he got my number. The day he called me I left work early. The Cowboy was back. He kept his promise. But I was in a haze of confusion and regret from all the comes with being a single Mom and was having a fling with a friend. I wasn’t ready for him. I was broken and not beautiful. I wasn’t that young idealistic girl anymore. He still saw her but I didn’t…I sent him on his way after he explained all that he needed was Me. She had left years ago and he had spent the better part of four years thinking (right). I promised him that IF in 2 years I was still single and ready, we’d give it a go…

Fast forward almost 2 years to Wednesday…he texted me…we need to have lunch, coming to get you…I already had plans, so I said coffee later…he said ok. I knew in my heart what he wanted and all I could think was, it hasn’t even been 2 years! I walked to the coffee place down the street from my work and found him there. Handsome and edgy with a beanie and scruff. We talked and I told him about HSD (Hot Single Dad) and how I had to give it the ALL of me. And he asked me…Do you Love Him? I could. My response made him hang his head and shake it like you see in those crappy Lifetime movies about torn lovers…and he *sighed*. In spite of it all The Cowboy said he’d be back and rode off in his Honda back to Hollywood.

This is what I wanted to tell HSD on Wednesday when I got huffy and responded like a child to his text that he was with his friends. And then the next morning when I laid the guilt on thick for not being available to talk. Was it urgent? For me yes. I wanted to tell him that my heart is so engrossed with him and the chance we might have for happiness that I created a situation that was completely unwarranted. He told me he’d try and I stomped my texting fingers all over those words.

I chose him. I looked into the eyes of a man who I promised myself in 2 years I would be with when I was ready…again. A man I shared so much with in such a short time…and for the shot with HSD I put in on the shelf and now what?

I’ve put out the olive branch…I’ve apologized. Tonight was sort of our standing date, since the Monkey is with the Bio and now I’m not sure what to do with myself.

I miss him.

I’ll live but it will not be without some kind of sadness in this heart where that Man is.

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