Fraud in the Mirror?

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Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror and thought, you my friend are a fraud?

On Mother’s Day, I woke up feeling like a layer of skin had been shed and my eyes were seeing things differently. But when I got home that evening I had an argument with Nomad that turned that feeling into something of a mini-life crisis. Not one of those my life is without meaning crisis’ but one of those there is something that was gone but sorta forgotten.

When one is in the process of shedding a skin it’s usually something you start out looking to do. Creating change in life for the better, and making informed choices to make a difference. While it’s pretty clear that I’m a woman who knows what she wants the men in my life have always lacked something. And this became clear when I woke up in the Sunday morning light and did something I haven’t done in ages. I walked down a street barefoot after not spending the night in my bed, and no there was no shame in it at fact. Oh lordie, it’s not what y’all think. But as I walked down the street, my bare feet touching the chilly pavement of the sidewalk and then crossing the black chill of the street before I hopped into my car there was this wash of something I haven’t felt in a million years. Me.

What sparked the crisis? After spending Mother’s Day with the Monkey working on four hours of sleep I finally sat down to rest on my comfy bed, and got blind-sided by Nomad and his opinion of one of my past relationships. And that many of my relationships since the one I shared with the Cowboy have been very average. The men I have dated have filled a void that was only really a portion of the needs that this Mama has in real life. And while talking to my friend about it, my integrity was called out. My ability to make sane choices was questioned and it hurt. While, now I know it was jealousy and rage, it still hurt that Nomad has now used this past life of mine to call me the names and make me cry.

So my chance meeting of a friend’s friend and hanging out with him got me thinking about the kind of man who flips the switch.

I pride myself on not really having a type. In fact, Mr. Crystal calls me the United Benetton of dating and it’s always been a funny joke with some of the group. But maybe even though I have no color lines, there are key personality traits that a man must possess. Recently, I’ve dated men who seem to make excuses for their current situations rather than making things happen for themselves. They seem just fine with not having what they want and assuming that someday it will come to them if they keep their ducks in a row. This is not okay. I want a man who sees what he wants and takes it and makes no apologies for it later. I’ve only had one other man in my life who has been that kind of person. A dominant personality amongst the weak, with the balls to make shit happen. The Cowboy and I had an amazing relationship; however we had poor timing and an age difference working against us. The Cowboy and I had an unconventional relationship; we shared things that most couples don’t dare bother with for fear that it will break the ties that bind. Yet, for us it did something that quite the opposite. We found ourselves falling deeper in love. Pushing each other to be better and challenging the norms. Today I seek that. He is the kind of man who knows what he wants and takes it. Shit when we met, he said to me I’m going to buy you a drink….no, he didn’t ask he just said he was going to and he did. Admittedly the first month or so we were together I was more intrigued by him than attracted to him. My curiosity wanted to peel back the layers to the man and the relationship that resulted was the most functioning man-female interaction I’ve ever encountered. *deep sigh*

Last Saturday night, I sat across from a man who reminded me that there are more men out there like that. Men who possess confidence that might come off as arrogance. Men who are gentlemen with a drunk girl. Men who are accomplished but don’t need to brag. Men with layers that are meant to be peeled away in discovery. Men that know their own mind. Holy hotness Batman, I’m all worked up just writing about it. This new man-friend of mine flipped the switch. And now I’m like a crack fiend looking for my next hit. Okay, he’s not necessarily the hit I’m looking for but Mama has a lot of exploring to do and I have him to thank for helping me see the skin that I was wearing may not fit just right.

Stay tuned for more adventures of the Incredible Skin Shedding Mama…

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