I have been doing this on my own for what feels like my WHOLE life…but, I am not alone. I have my family and friends and the most amazing new outlet of on-line Mamas who have inspired me to share my life and get it off my chest.
I have isolated myself from my married friends and let go of friends who stuck their heads in the sand and didn’t show me the courtesy of honesty and respect. Is it wrong? Maybe I got here on my own, but I didn’t know what other road to take. The little person that I love with all my heart was the only thing that I could see. My Monkey was the only thing that made sense to me after his Dad and I split…oh, and my best friend admonished me for even thinking about being a single parent.
As I move towards the Monkey’s 3rd Birthday in July, I’m faced with an never ending custody battle, an emotionally draining daily lack of communication with the Bio and the desire to get out there and be a ‘girlie’ again. But, I feel the consistent disappointment with those attempts to open the door and move through it.
I let one person in over the last year and in my opinion he failed me. He walked away without regard for the feelings involved and still to this day, I don’t understand how people in relationships function. How is it supposed to work? Again, I blame it on my own ability to just ‘keep the peace’ and not ‘rock the boat’.
When will I stop being NATO and just start doing something about the things I desire!?!? Bleh.
I have grieved, I have almost fallen in love again and I have started therapy (4 months ago) and I feel like I am no closer to understanding the how & why of being this woman than I was 6 years ago when I ran into the Bio outside a Pool Haul after 7 years of solid detachment (bad Mommy).
Ugh, this makes me feel like I need to go into depth of how the Bio and I came to be and how we came to end…but, I think that’s a whole other post and a whole other post-traumatic meeting stress venting session.
I love being the Monkey’s Mommy…it’s the only thing I feel I can do without complete insecurity. It’s the only time in my day that I feel like I’m accomplishing something profound in this world.
For now, I guess I have to make more notes for therapy and detach yet again.