Mutual Loss

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Relationships of any kind are work. Sometimes you have to put people on probation to make them see that your value stretches far beyond being a dumping ground for all the unwanted items in their life. Often times friends take more than you have to offer and that’s not okay. The Cowboy did this with our friendship recently.

Our friendship was based on a mutual agreement that there was nothing left between us. We had tried a for a hot minute to see if we could mend it and it wasn’t. Our kiss was empty of feelings and without passion. It was just a kiss. The kind you have with someone and you instantly know this is going nowhere fast. Maybe one night stand potential at best but nothing significant. When I met my Guy I knew for sure this was something worth exploring from the first time we kissed. It was more than just one night stand potential. As the Cowboy settled into this new friendship he began dating crazy chicks with little control over their feelings and serious drama in their lives. One even lit his car on fire leaving it in ashes and disrepair. I personally would’ve cut a bitch but that’s just me. So when rocky times hit my burgeoning relationships the Cowboy saw this as a sign of what neither of us was seeing.

He was desperate. He was clinging to the past. He was overreacting. All things that Mama advises her peeps against. It’s like when you’re on fire and if you run around with that shit all ablaze you will most definitely become a roasty toasty human-cookie. We all learned it when we were kids…Stop, Drop and Roll…okay, well Stop, Think and Act Accordingly makes more sense then the other but you get it. He charged at our friendship like a bull with his shit on fire. The truth is that the Cowboy has been divorced from his wife all of one year and he is still dealing with the residual crap that pairs with these kinds of situations. He is depressed. He’s not the same man I loved so many years ago. But I can still see the man with integrity, compassion and commitment there behind the loon.

Over the last couple of weeks I have struggled with whether I would let him back in. He tore at my desire to find a way to fix my own mistakes and make things right. He pushed at me when I needed someone to understand that I panicked and I need to learn how to handle those things better. The other day I tweeted that we had mended fences but today we are not friends. We chose to pull the plug on the friendship that we thought was going somewhere fantastic. It mirrors very much the way our relationship ended. One who wanted something the other couldn’t give and today I am again the one who can’t give him what he wants.

The worst part of it is that he called me to tell me this news and news that our very amazing mutual friend has passed away of unknown causes. I have lost two friends. And this loss is something significant. Losing people by choice or by the Powers that Be sucks terribly. This may take a bit more healing than planned.

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