Truly, I have been remiss in my blogging duties. To be honest, my world has been running me ragged and I can’t believe how exhausted and emotional I have been these last few days. In the last month, I’ve lost a job and gotten a new job. I’ve started moving and then didn’t end up having to. I’ve started dating an amazing guy and begun to try to balance an actual relationship and being a Mama. All things that I thought I could handle with the greatest of ease, but as it turns out I am not always going to be able to make these things happen without shedding some tears.
It’s true Mama is not perfectly capable of juggling tons of things at once and not breaking a sweat. I in fact do sweat and often times I sit down on the floor criss-cross applesauce and bawl my eyes out like a little girl. I don’t know how many times I did this during the last seven days. Trying to be happy and fearless can often stretch the Mama too thin. It makes for a sleepy lady with little patience and the thought process of a banshee. Like lake effect snow crazy in the brain…blizzards people, I’m talking six foot tall snow drifts blocking the reality of the fact that I can just say, I’m not perfect.
Shocking as it may seem I have moments when I look in the mirror and just want to erase what’s there. Hence the constant chopping of the locks and the always changing wardrobe style. I’m a chic hippy with a live-free and love-free attitude but when the going gets tough sometimes I just want to be a cold heartless without feeling woman. And so to escape I watch shitty reality TV and lame movies and play with my Monkey to make sure that I put my day behind me as much as possible. The hardest part of this is knowing what I want. Seeing what I want right in front of me and no feeling like I deserve it. Breaking myself down.
This weekend without the Monkey I felt lost and sad and like all I wanted to do was stay in bed.
At some point I exploded in an emotional ball of awfulness. I managed to make it through Father’s Day without hurting anyone but there is a residual layer of ash covering my heart today. I feel lost. I feel overwhelmed by the things that I fear. Failing at work. Failing at this new relationship. Failing to be able to keep my home. Working on these portions of my life is taking me to a whole new place in my life and I’m terrified to shatter the glass I feel like I’m walking on.
I will get through the rest of today. I will survive this part of my new journey. I will just have to try not to be so hard on myself…