Deep into my Throat

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Mr. C surprised me yesterday. He came home from traveling the world. He was aiming for Father’s Day but missed it by a day thanks to flight delays. He knew that Mrs. C has talked to me and that I was wrapped in my own head. He knew I needed him. He always does. Him and Mrs. C are two people in my life who always hold my hand when I lose my way.

Maybe lost is a bad choice of description. There are times in my life when I have things to say and they don’t come out the way they are in my head. I fumble with words. I forget how I rehearsed it in my mind. And then often times I use the worst lead-ins possible. The people who know me best know this is not meant to be awful or mean or hurtful but those who don’t can often end up with me facing a wall and not knowing how to continue. I’ve done this recently to someone I just met a few weeks ago. And this time instead of feeling nothing about my actions making a negative impression on him, I feel awful. I cried even. Lots. I woke up the morning after feeling terrible. Like someone had ripped my insides out. I felt regret over my over thinking causing someone confusion over my lack of ability to express something. I was wrong and I felt it in my core.

Wrong is not something I am used to being or admitting for that matter. But in this case wrong is something I will own. I messed up and I know it. I knew it when Mr. C shook his head at me on yesterday while I explained the situation. I knew it all day on Sunday when I couldn’t focus on anything. I knew it when I went for a run and ended up walking.

The thing is that I spent all day on Saturday looking at this person and thinking to myself ‘you have really done good this time’. I let myself be me and completely opened up about all the dirty details. I have actually wanted to make time to see this person. I have actually started to think about when I could make time. Ugh. This shit never happens to me. Feeling like someone is genuinely interested in who I am never happens. Okay, it has happened but not recently. Jeez cut me some slack.

In a short period of time I have come accustomed to something that I don’t want to lose because I shoved my foot in my mouth so deep that it has taken me all week to nudge it just the tiniest bit loose.

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