This weekend I experienced some emotional challenges which including trusting my own judgement and my heart. My heart has lied to me before, only because I let it do so. But either way it has. I found myself prepping formy Sunday evening with Mr. S and this included a walk by myself to a local Spanish restaurant and bar to decompress on the expectation I created in regards to the evening. I got there early. No cell service in the giant adobe friggin’ bar. Great. When I walked outside there came one text and an alert for a voicmail….
‘I can’t do this tonight’
I calmly finished my Margarita. Listened to the message. Nothing. Tears streamed down my face as I walked home. Sobbing ensued. My whole body shookwith thefear that I had let myself down again but trusting someone. Had I let this happen again? What was ‘this’? Was I a ‘this’? More Panic. More tears. Wine.
After walking to Trader Joe’s to acquire baking items and more wine…I cried on the floor in the center of my tiny living looking at the blue carpet that had survived living witih three different men and now it was helping me survive this whole new chapter in my life. A chapter I thought that I was writing with calm intentions and solid choices.
Mr. Awesome came over to be the Man Wisdom I desperately needed. And he talked me off my ledge and onto the ground below that held the promise of safety. I would be okay. There could be any numbers of reasons why Mr. S wasn’t there to meet me. Then the Rachel came over and I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time, since most of my friends are scattered all over the place…support. Two faces making me laugh and laughing at me and my overthinking mess fueled by wine and blueberry tarte. Support from people who were there for me just like my family would have been if I had let them.
There’s hope…because even in my time of weary tears I could see the silver lining on that cloud. I am loved by the people in my life for who I am…
p.s.a nd after many tears and too much wine and thinking thoughts that helped nothing but to create more tears I found out the truth. Mr. S didn’t bail on me…he had family stuff and that’s all I need to share about it.
p.s.s Special shout out to my twitter lady pal@singlemom75 for tweeting with me through it. Hugs Mama.