and then there were 2.

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2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

from…http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

After I read this over and over again, I thought about it…was my pain ‘unbelievable’? I think I was able to believe the pain, because I knew it was coming. I knew my pain was inevitable. Unlike death, the loss of this relationship that created my most beautiful son was coming since 2005 when the Biological first ended our relationship…and, thus the cycle was born.

Things were definitely ‘chaotic and scary’…I had a preemie baby and no place to live (save my parents offering me rooms for the Monkey and me). I was out on my own and alone. I was sad and could feel the impossibility of my situation around me. I cried while holding my sleeping son. I left my house only when necessary and then it hit me…like they say a ton of bricks….

Why did this need to happen?

Okay, so I felt pain and guilt…I lost the relationship and I felt guilty about doing this to my son. BUT, this was what I was given. This is what my G*d gave me. WHY would I have this on my plate if I couldn’t handle it? How could I continue to feel pain and guilt when I was not the one who had checked out of the relationship before our son was born? This was not MY choice…but, it was now up to me to be Mommy and rock this new role I was so lucky to have.

Pain and guilt…cry, kick & scream and let it fly…but, don’t let it rule the world you live in. Let it teach you what you need and take from it what you can…but, let it go.

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