I was broken and now I’m not. While I know that flaws are all a part of the person and who they are, I remember fiver years ago when I hit rock bottom. Now I can recall how awful it felt to wake up in the morning. How I despised people who were in functioning relationships and raising a family. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking you suck.
The Boyfriend and I have talked about my quirks and character flaws that drive him nuts and let me tell you they are nothing compared to the paranoid freak of nature I became living with the Bio. Daily I was beside myself with hate and distrust. I lived in a fog of manipulation and fear. Fear that one day everything would tumble and our fans would see that we weren’t perfect. That’s right we had fans.
Back in 7th grade we were the cute couple that everyone like. Then as time progressed people didn’t get why I cared so much. Bio fell into drugs and alcohol and well became the douche rag that he will always be. When we came to be a couple as adults there were haters and fans. There would be people who doomed us from the start. I guess that’s true of most anything but this to me was something we had to prove we could do.
But once a manipulator, always a manipulator.
See I was taught in Psych 101, that our inherent patterns of behavior are learned from our significant adult figures. For the Bio that was having parents that viewed him as a commodity that should be ‘seen and not heard’. His Mom manipulated his Dad into everything and eventually the Bio has become his Mom. A piece of work. Not art, work. Very different things for sure. Denial has swept over the Bio and he believes that he has worked out many of the kinks in his behavior. But when someone goes from calling me a bitch on the phone to cowering in the corner at therapy and pretending it never happened, I call manipulation! He can manipulate his way out of a paper bag or a DUI or a therapy session…but now that I am not broken anymore and fixed myself it doesn’t work on me anymore. It just makes me angry. It just makes me livid. It just makes me wonder what the hell I was thinking!
But I digress.
As I get ready to go to therapy yet again with the Bio for the third time in a month, I can’t help but feel it is a waste of time because he is not wholly committed to the purpose. Every time I go there I prep myself with things that are important and hold value. Things I feel need to be addressed. But when I’m angry I met with manipulation and name calling. When I have cause for concern I am blowing things out of proportion. But the problem is simply that the Bio has never experienced me in my entirety. I had to grow up quickly after I left that relationship, and 24-year old me didn’t know what 27-year old me would have to deal with when I committed my life to his.
Honestly, I don’t think he can handle me. I am the version of me that I always knew I would be but got sidetracked. And while perfection isn’t in the cards, I know I have done my work and will keep doing it with the Boyfriend by my side.